November 07, 2011

Letting Go is Stressful Too!

I haven't been feeling much like writting for a long time. I have not been clear and mindful in my life. I am stressed. I am just overwhelmed and obsessing and exhausted. I have not been well lately because of this is stress. This stress is so tiresome that I had a total meltdown and locked myself in the dark basement with a book. I have stopped caring about cleaning. In fact, my place is in such dissorder that I wouldn't know where to start. I am back to not eating properly, and I don't care about that either. Any thing in my life that I had any beliefs of having any sense of control over, I have avoided. This has not done much for my anxiety because now I stress about not doing anything. No lists, No chores, No cooking, and No ambition. I feel as though I do not get validation or appreciation around here. I feel as though I have pushed myself into a corner and there I lay. I believe that if my standards too high for me, so high that I break down, than how could anyone else measure up. I am still having anxiety in regards to my  home. Something in the fridge smells like, um, stink. Stuff is scattered all over the living room, stairs, hallways, and bathrooms. It is unkept, and looks that way. I am overpowered by the urge to write a+ist, to the point where I have to take my paper and pens away from myself. I have to let go, but it feels like it is at the cost of living with  anxiety and distress. I just want to close my eyes to it all and continue to hide.

October 29, 2011

Occupy Canada, Occupy the World



Written on the Left
I am a college senior, about to graduate completely debt free.  I pay for all my living expenses by working w30+ hrs a week making barely above minimum wage. I chose a moderately priced, instate public university and started saving $ for school at age 17. I got decent grades in high school and received 2 scholarships which comer 90% of my tuition. I currently have a 2.38 GPA. I live comfortably in a cheap apt. knowing I can’t have everything I want. I don’t eat out every day, or even once a month. I have no credit care, now car, iPad or smart phone—and I’m perfectly OK with that. If I did have debt, I would not blame Wall St. or the government for my own bad decisions. I live below my means to continue saving for the future. I expect nothing to be handed to me, and will continue to work for my $$ off for everything I have. That’s how it’s supposed to work. I am NOT the 99%, and whether or not you are is YOUR decision.
Written on the Right.
I’m sorry to tell you this because you seem to feel quite adamantly about your position on the issue, but it seems clear to me that you don’t understand the issue at all.  When the Occupy Wall St. Protesters say “we are the 99% it means “we are the 99% of Americans who are not billionaires” So unless you struck oil while you were in college, then you most certainly are the 99%. Graduating debt free from college is a great accomplishment, but it by no means makes you a billionaire. I also feel as though you are missing the entire pint of this movement.  Average, hard working Americans, Americans who, whether you believe it or not, work equally as hard as you do, have been ripped off. Wall Street Executives committed fraud and caused the entire global recession the world is currently suffering from. Regular people’s tax money went to bail out these banks, the executives of which proceeded to award themselves millions of dollars worth in bonuses. You don’t think people have a right to be angry? And you claim that it is your choice whether or not you are in the 99%, but you said yourself, you went to an in-state public university, and while you may have gotten a fantastic education, in the competitive world, that university on a resume is going to be a disadvantage to you, and unless you have serious connections, or win the lottery. It is unlikely you will make it into that 1%. Whereas, someone born into the 1%, is almost guaranteed. They can pay for an amazing education and their parents can use connections or power (for money is power) to get them high paying positions in companies. The movement, despite what you appear to think it is, is not a bunch of lazy Americans complaining because they want hand outs. It’s a group of hard-working Americans, fighting the system that is unfair, and does not work. These awesome people are angry that they were ripped off, and they are fighting against corporate greed and against the banks and executives that buy the country in this situation. I implore you to not pay so much attention to the media, for the media is run by big corporations, who want to paint this protest as a group of crazy lazy people, just looking for a cause. It’s their greed that we are fighting against. But please, do your research, before you lash out against a movement of hard working people being brave enough to use their voices. If we don’t speak out now, the gap will widen further, and I can promise things will get worse not just for us, but for you as well



I have said in a past post(from stinkin' rich to untouchable) that I have an immense amount of gratitude for what I been given in life, what privileges I have, and for the love I receive. This photo sort of leads me to this concept of thankfulness and appreciation. Clearly the author of the letter has a sense of obligation to create his own life and not allow others to trap him down with  senseless financial expenses. Clearly he understands, and has understood for a long time, the value of money and how to use it. This is a cleverness that not all people have. It is not taught in schools, and money, being such a "secret issue" in families, is not honestly and openly discussed at home either. A lot of people learn this hard lesson in the most difficult way. DEBT. And this makes the banks very happy. Large companies gain from purchases that credit cards will charge interest for. We have become conditioned to being consumers. We are inundated with over 3000 advertisements a day and generally only aware of about 75/day. These adds tell us what we need, want, and should have. And many consumers barely think about their purchases. We have houses that we fill with stuff and storage units to put stuff we want to keep but have no room for in our houses. Even people who can budget with the best of them use most their income for purchasing desires over needs. Many shop at big box stores that make billions off the sweat of  foreigners backs for pennies a day. Many don't even know how to shop local, or worse cannot because it is unavailable or financially unattainable. It's all wonderful to protest against corporate greed by sitting on government property and displaying posters of disgust, and yet wear clothes that were made in China, and sleep in tents made in Korea, and wear shoes by Nike, bags by North Face, and sweaters by Gap. They may be eating fast food from McDonald's or Tim Horton's. they may be smoking a popular brand of cigarettes and using cell phones by Rogers or Telus. I am sure you get the point I am making. What are the specific demands of the Occupy Movement. How does this protest wish to resolve this global crisis. And YES there is indeed a crisis. Finally, most importantly, in order to truly be peaceful, what are they willing to give up in order to support the 99%? their clothes? shoes? cell phone? Like it or not. every one of us has the power to bring down the cooperation's simply by choosing what we consume. When we demand products that do not hurt people in the process of fabrication, distribution, and sale, then we may discover the true value of what we buy.
Consume more than you need, this is a dream. We'll make you pauper or make you Queen. Wont die lonely, have it all pre arraigned. A grave that's deep and wide enough for me and all my mountains of things ----Tracy Chapman





The day after the occupy movement began (Oct 15th{for those still not in the know}) I went to church and requested a prayer for the movement to remain peaceful and productive and that I desire for my church community to remember and consider those who have nothing. I am not sure that many of the parishioners were yet aware of this movement, (no one commented to me anyway) and I felt as though my prayer went unnoticed (though perhaps not, again, have not heard yet). I continue to pray every single day (if I were non religious i would say I continue to support) that this critical message does not dry up and wither away due to lack of attention and misunderstanding. Change will never occur if this movement fades out of the public eye and becomes overshadowed by the next political distraction.

here is a list of what this movement "should" demand


Demand Real Democracy:
- Proportional representation
- Get money out of politics
- Recall elections
- Referendum
Demand Economic Justice:
- Enact Buffett’s Law
- End tax avoidance for corporations
- No more rip-offs due to complex charging schemes
- Affordable housing
Don’t Demand:
- That there be no spending cuts
- An end to capitalism

this is a summery written by Phil Hunt
read the page here
http://cabalamat.wordpress.com/2011/10/21/what-the-occupy-movement-should-demand/

And The most important thing that we can all do above and beyond anything and everything.
Recognise and always adhere to
HUMAN RIGHTS

If the message is people not profit. Then do just that. Put the rights people first in everything you do.
Avoid judgment and stereotyping, avoid bullying and degrading those we perceive to have less value than us. (This is one time i wish to use this phrase because it fits for me)
Live like Jesus would.
if you are not partial to religion that's OK, the term is meant to invoke thoughts of compassion, love and forgiveness.



October 19, 2011

Suicide or What?

So, I have been thinking a lot about Assisted Suicide. A recent W5 episode brought this very controversial topic to mind.

I have a new perspective on this since I was in my youth and Sue Rodriguez made headlines. Since then I have spent many (too many) years fighting the urge to kill myself, and I gotta tell you, if I had had better opportunities, like someone to assist, I am not sure I would be alive to tell you this story today. I have been known to rationalize that my existence does not matter and that my chronic mental illness was reason enough to leave. I often envisioned my life as a person who would always relay on family to take care of me. I knew I would have ups and downs, sure, but I also knew (or believed) that there would times when I simply could not take care of myself. I believed this so profoundly that I had little faith in myself, which in the end, slowed my recovery considerably. I just let myself succumb to  my depression, anxiety and borderline. I allowed my life to become about giving up.

Quality of life is the main argument for assisted suicide. In my view, the quality of live I was living was so low the pit seemed to have no bottom. I couldn't see reasons to live when I just slept ate, and, shat. It was foreign to me to think that I could fight for a better quality of life and still live with mental illness.

Did you know that in Canada, there is a group of people who take part in a place called the farewell foundations? People go there to discuss ways to choose their deaths. Choose their deaths?? Self Chosen Death?? Well gee where and how do I sign up? I choose not to be near guns because I fear what I would do with such a weapon, now I can sign up to go somewhere and plan when and how I will die. It just sounds too easy doesn't it. It is not, however, so simple.

The second main argument for  euthanasia is fear of the future, fear of dying piece by piece one lady said. The argument is about terminal illness being the only reason such a suicide would be OK. One young man, diagnosed with multiple Sclerosis commented  "I love life-but-at some time in the future, that will stop" he says, "Nobody wants to kill themselves" So the question becomes, at what point does fear of the future intersect with quality of life. Millions of people today become situational depressed (depressed due to a situation like severe physical impairment), this kind of depression, if left unchecked, deeply affects quality of life and some, out of fear for their future, do want to kill themselves. Does this mean that they should be aloud to die? or should they fight for quality as they go? Are we(society) really able to "force" a person to fight for their own mental health even if such people really are looking at a bleak future. For some disorders, like MS, do have very bleak outcomes. Paralysis, agonising Pain, billions of dollars worth of medication over the years. However, MS and many other debilitating disorders, are not always terminal. The body may be the same for decades, they may need services for literally every aspect of life, but they will wither away long before their bodie dies. Should we insist that a person continue living regardless? Try not to forget, also, the economic factors. It costs money to take care of bedridden people for decades. They need physical therapy, doctors, specialists, medication (that often leads to addiction), nurses, family, friends. and so on... When is it too painful and costly to live?

I think that Self Chosen Death can become very open to abuse. The real problem with abuse is that over time, it has been shown, rules and policies become too relaxed over time. There may become too many cut corners like providing a client with a full range of options before offering death. Or families of clients who bring in insufficient evidence they their disabled family member wants to choose death. It quickly becomes a slippery slope of accountability.

Now Finally, I want to address the "Eliminating Suffering" aspect of making a choice to kill oneself. I don't know where most people live, but I am very aware now that we all suffer. Not a single human (or creature on earth for that matter) is exempt from this basic Law of nature. We often believe and feel that we are the only ones, that nobody gets our troubles. We see that the grass is greener over the fence and that the Jones are a sort of perfection we could never live up to. There is no eliminating suffering. We don't, naturally, get the option to check out when we stop loving life. We evolved on this planet as survivors. Humans have beat the odds and ended up on the very top of the food chain. We would not be at the top if we gave up.

I am all for the option to assisted suicide in the right situations. I just don't believe that It will be easy to determine, under the law, when, how, by who and what the right circumstances are going to be.

Check it out for yourselves and see what you think.

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Health/20100129/dying_100129/
































October 14, 2011

The Battle

I am sad.
I am crumbeling.
I am breathless.
I am pure.
I am losing.
The Battle.
I am scared.
I am fucking high.
I am homley.
I am reading.
I am viewing.
The Battle.
Where is my mind?
I am back in this place.
I am swimming.
there in the water.
I am drowning in.
The Battle.
I am rocking.
I am running.
I am shamed.
I am rotting in.
The Battle.
I am forgetting.
I am wanting
To walk into.
My brain.
And battle.
The Battle.
I always fear.
In my whole self.
This is the last time.
I will face.
The Battle.
And yet,
Tomorrow comes.

Today I think I'm a lost cause.

It has been quite a while since I have written anything, mostly due to trying to remain sane. I have been rapid cycling lately and am trying really hard to get it under some sort of control. I feel like I have to start a scheduled life, but I can't seem to get my shit together long enough to do what I set out to do. I have been waking up the last 4 mornings sick to my stomach and some days I even get out of the house. I was looking around my place yesterday thinking "this is my prison" I am stuck inside on the pretence that I need to clean or write or cook or sleep or read or whatever I can find to do "inside". when I do go out, I lose myself in my headphones(music) and my camera. I sort of live in a haze of things to do, like shopping or work or church. If i am alone, I shut out the world that I am walking through and try to narrow my focus on one thing at a time. And, if at all possible, I go out with people I trust. So, really what is happening is my Agoraphobia is creeping back into my life. As soon as this flu like thing is gone I have to take charge once again. I have to write down a schedule that includes going out at least once a day, everyday. I have to find places to go where others will count on me or miss me if I am not there. I really worry about making new friends, I get anxious at the thought of going out to visit people I don't know too well yet and making an utter fool of myself. I really want to go out to be with people but I cannot bring myself to just do it.
Feeling sick like this makes me want to just curl up and turtle. Turtling is when I pull up the covers all the way over my head, pillows on top of that and lonely a nose hole to breath out of. I feel like I took a massive step forward by moving up here alone, and I am happy with myself for doing it, but I now feel like those back steps are coming and I don't want to accept that for myself. There are so many things I have to let go of in order to keep moving ahead with my life. No. 1 of those things to let go of is my house and how clean I demand it to be. It is not only tough on me to live up to my standards but it is really tough on my daughter to live up to my standards, and not fair on her either. I hate to be disorganised and I hate not being able to find things that haven't been put away properly. I hate the smell of a bathroom kitty litter, and the look of stuff all over the living room floor. But, I have to let go of all that.
Well, for now, I am going to make myself a neo-citron, take an Ibuprofen, and watch TV. even though it means leaving my heap of laundry alone and ignoring the accumulation of garbage on my floor.

October 01, 2011

addition to acceptence or denile


.You are..a friend, a sister, a daughter, a grand-daugher, a writer, a tease, an artist, a canadian(e), a british columbian(e), a prince ruperter, an intellectual, an ont"errible" transplant, a north american(e), a caucasian(e), a woman, a great student, a 30something, a brown eyed girl, a bitch, a flirt, a honey-pie-sweetie-love, a poor person, an educated person, a drama queen, a compassionate soul, a kick ass dancer.... (ad nauseum...)
Don't you think those are enough labels? Why would you like to then accept your identity as outlined in a psych text book (that will seem ridiculous to students 100 years from now?) I get and am happy that you can live with a diagnosis rather than deny it but you don't need to be a poster child for bipolar or anything else in order to have a voice. It's just that you happen to be mentally ill at the moment. What happens if your diagnoses change with the onset of menopause or something??? Then what happens to your whole world? I'm so proud of you in how far you've delved in understanding and managing your illness but it just seems to me that this admission is one of bondage to a medical label - and cheating the pure soul raw with potential that God made you to be.

I didn't think you'd want me to post this rant publicly.  You get to define who you are and what you want to be. Made in God's image means that we get to co-create our experience... not have everything the way we want it but influence what we've got.
The above was emailed to me by a soul mate and love one.


It is the accumulation of everything that defines me that bundles me under the heading mental illness. I am a Mentally ill ....mom, sister, daughter, friend, artist, writer, thoughtful, friendly, a grand-daughter, a tease, a Canadian(e), a British Columbian(e), a prince Ruperter  (It’s Prince George), an intellectual, an Ont"errible" transplant, a north American(e),  a Caucasian(e), a woman, a great student, a 30something, a brown eyed girl, a bitch, a flirt, a honey-pie-sweetie-love, a poor person, an educated person, a drama queen, a compassionate soul, a kick ass dancer.... By putting a heading of Mental illness before each quality (role, label, designation, title, identity...) Helps me to package myself into a whole person. It helps to remind myself that these disorders (bipolar, borderline [not so much w/ anxiety and depression]) are permanent and pervasive and in need of constant attention. I need to consider, with every major decision of my life, that because I am mentally ill I must be aware of anything that could interfere with my stability and overall health (as well as that of my daughter until she is old enough to care for herself). This is not always a negative consideration process. A thought could go like this...” I am not doing well and am not leaving the house, a decision needs to be made to get myself out”. I remember that I love music (a value) so I close the drapes and do some kick ass dancing around the house (an activity).  I know from a life time of experience and years of therapy, that using such a skill takes me a step closer to activation (getting out) by changing my body chemistry (from education).


 An example of how this would work for a decision that could have had a considerably larger affect on me, or anyone really, was my decision to move....”I am really unhappy in Victoria. I hate my place, I am frustrated by people in my life, I don’t feel like I can move on with my healing journey here, the city has changed and I don’t like that it is so expensive, I need more independence for myself, I want to get out of the rain, I have a lot to offer in the Prince George mental health system that I would never be able to do I Vic due to conflict of interest... All this and more was affecting my mental health. Moving became the only option left for me. However, the stress of moving out of town, away from my support system of friends and family, could also break me down. So, it was a decision that I thought about for a few years. There would be a lot that I would need to do to protect myself from my illness. I waited until I was stable enough to make the move. I did not want this to be an impulse decision without the use of proper judgment. I then began to look for a town that would fit my needs, mental health care needs. I looked for a place with transit, schools to choose from (for Tia and I), manageable rent and living expenses, a good system of mental health care providers. I researched many places that could offer support if I needed it. I got referrals to a doctors and counsellors. My number one concern was that I needed to know that I would be safe in the hands of the “system” they had there, and that my daughter would be sent back to either her dad or my mom upon possible crisis. With every part of my decision the fact that I am mentally Ill had to be considered. Everything from nourishing my hobbies and interests (great arts and outdoor community) to setting up my living arraignments within walking distance to the hospital, downtown, the clinic, the school, the church and a shopping center. I called many of these places ahead of making a final decision to give my notice to the landlord. I created a personal plan and wrote down what I would do to help manage my emotions over the next few months that would indeed impact my mental health weather I wanted it or not. I reviewed my skills daily and spent a lot of time caring for my mental health and welfare.  When I arrived at PG, I was overwhelmed and frightened as I had expected but I already had people to help before even driving into the city. They were waiting at my door on a rainy morning ready to help unload my truck and help me get comfortable. I had the community of the church family that would embrace me and welcome me. When I was getting settled I went to a place called the Community Response Unit (CRU) to set up an emergency plan and put myself in the radar of the mental health care system here. I was stable and doing well I said but I needed to create a plan and make connections so I will have a security net. I joined a few groups and am now in the process of working within the health care system to help others. I am still stable and I am still doing well and I am happy.  My decision to move my daughter and myself up north and away from all that we know is a massive decision for anyone to make. I believe that because I am mentally ill, I came into this choice with my eyes wide open. Mental illness drove me out of Victoria, mental illness kept me safe, stable and determined, and mental illness now provides me with insight to help others.  There is nothing, in my view, where mental illness has impaired me or weakened me, or made me feel unworthy or incapable of making and maintaining tough decisions. Labeling myself, if you need to put it as such, had done nothing but help me to learn my limitations and how I can turn them into living a productive life.

No, you are correct, I'm not a poster child for anything and It is unfortunate that you might think this is what I am trying to accomplish here. These stories that I tell are personal and written from my own perspective. I don’t try to encourage others to believe what I believe, or that my way is the best way. The only way that I can try to lift stigma around me is by telling my story, in as many ways as I know how. I want to encourage others to tell their story and know that it is safe to do so. Telling me I am trying to be some sort of advertisement for" the cause" is a judgment that I never imagined would come from you. I am “at the moment” mentally ill. Bipolar is a chemical imbalance that I am certainly able to manage, but never cure (likely not in my lifetime anyway, the world spends much more time and money looking for the cure for cancer and HIV than any kind of mental illness) and Borderline personality disorder (which many think should be called emotional deregulation disorder because it not really a personality issue) is a sensitivity of behavioural/emotional issues. I was born with and became nurtured throughout my life, and, again can be managed but not cured (there are no medications either and so far the revolutionary DBT therapy offers coping strategies that is helping people manage better than ever before). I am in fact “at the moment” stable and doing very well with only minor ups and downs. I am “at the moment” stable in my mental illness, and I am able to offer insight into my thoughts. I am “at the moment” healthy, but I am wise enough to be aware of potential changes, and how to respond quickly to those changes. If my “diagnosis” changes, than I will evolve with that change and apply it to what I know now. I don’t feel like it is bondage to the “test book case of medical labels” Quite the opposite is true for me. I find that by accepting it allows me to work with it, which allows me to be productive and healthy. I do not pity myself nor do I want any pity for this, I no longer fall prey to the world of scientists that want to dope me up with pills and see what happens. I manage my own health care and wish more people would learn how to do the same.

In closing, I love to be challenged and questioned and I especially want to hear other stories that I can learn from. When I am challenged, I know that I either have to defend or further explain or even drop my argument. Don't hesitate to do so. If you prefer to do so without it going onto my blog feel free to email me privately (I will always unfailingly respect your privacy and confidentiality)



September 28, 2011

Acknowledgment or Denile

I have come across a few statements that, at some point, i have changed my opinion about.
The first one is "getting back to the real world"
second "my mental illness is not who I am"

OK for starter's I used to feel that the Real world was some kind of place where everything was OK. A place where all my problems were easy to work out and where I can be who I wanted to be and I didn't cry. The real world to me was something abstract and unattainable and I felt I could never fully belong there. Even though I tried and tried to attain real world status, even though I reached out, I never quite touch it. I even used getting there as a motivation to get out of where I was. Which was where? Really, what world do I live in? Where was I that was not real? What made my world different from anybody elses? I thought for years that my universe was out of step with everyone elses. I am mentally ill you know. Something in me changed though and at some point I stoped caring about what people from the so called real world thought. I stopped covering up my scared and self-mutilated body.I stoped speaking in a whisper and rose my voice. I stoped telling myself that there even was a real world.  The reality is this is the real world! I'm in it honey! I am here to stay forever more. In fact I hadn't even left. Mental illness is reality for some people and I am one of those people!! This is where the part of who I am comes in. I am mentally ill, Really, I am. When I began to see that this is who I am, how I was made. This is MY reality, my normal, my B average. I am and always will be an extra sensitive person. I am and will forever need to be vigilant about medical care like pharmacies, psychiatrists, and psychologists. I am and I will be living in this disorder until the end of my days. For me, every decision I make, every direction I take, every place I will go, everything that i know is directly related to being mentally ill. I sort of look at it like the person I am is made up of bits and pieces that build a mentally ill person. ME. My values, my interests, my roles, my hobbies, my friends, my health, joys, ambitions, desires, beliefs, past, present and for always.... everything that makes me, ME, it all came about and adds up to create a mentally ill person! I am not burdened anymore, I am less confused about myself, I know who I am now and if I battle with myself anymore by trying to separate the two - real and not real, ill or not ill, me as a whole and me disjointed - I will never be able to reconcile myself. I will always be reaching for normal. I will never be able to take care of my whole self and continue to grow into the whole person I have always needed to be.

I think that for many years,  the belief that there was a real world and the attachment to the idea of my illness only being a small part of me, this kept me going. It pushed me forward, it gave me hope and it provided me with a vision. Having these thoughts kept me in therapy and taking medication. It helped me create small goals to achieve stability(not cured). The change of perspective however required acceptance and a little bit of a leap of faith. Acceptance is a long and arduous journey that can, at times, be frightning and painful and a leap of faith is an instant decision to maintain hope.

oh, and I still cry real tears.







September 24, 2011

a friend with perspective

I have a friend who has written a great blog entry about stigma in mental illness. please take time to read it and soak in the story this person tells. Kudos to you H.


http://randomas-random.blogspot.com/2011/07/savage-stigma.html#comment-form

From stinkin' rich to untouchable.

Yes, friends, we do live in a class based society! We have the Super Rich, we have middle class, we have the working poor, we have the poor and we have the people who have nothing. Each of these divisions come with their own set of judgments. The rich are believed to be the hardest workers, the people who earn their money by putting in long hard days. Those who are middle class citizens(which by the way is a dwindling class, many moving down a notch into working poor) Have the comforts of life. Nice houses, in safe neighbourhoods. Extra money to put into nice cars, great vacations and other such toys that are nice but not necessary. The working poor is the class that is the largest. It consists of people who work hard but only just barely get by from check to check. They have nice homes and one car but very few luxuries. Moving down quite a bit from working poor, are those who are poor. This class usually consists of single parents, people who cannot work and live off the government, people who are on welfare and people working in the lowest paying jobs. Poor people live in run down cheap housing, cannot afford vacations, new clothes or even dental care, let alone have a consistent supply of food and money for basic transportation. On the very bottom rung are those who have nothing! Consisting of mostly street people and couch surfers. Homeless and hungry the poorest of the poor rely entirely on their ingenuity to get their hands on the most basic of needs. Food, fresh water for cleaning, even medical supplies like glasses and medications. This class of people could be compared to the "untouchables" of India. Many believe that they just don't care about themselves enough to get out of extreme poverty not realising that a lot of these homeless people have been beaten down and rejected by society for so much of their lives that they have been conditioned to believe that they are indeed not worthy.

I live in poverty. I live on disability and get little to no extra money to have extra pleasures in my life. I have only two ways that I treat myself. 1. TV/ Internet. 2. cigarettes (of which I budget to have only 2 per day, if I go over, well then that's it they are gone). I have had the privilege to be able to send my daughter to a private school on a significantly reduced tuition(500$ reduction). And every left over penny goes to food. My money is quickly eaten up with bills.

Most times, however, I am able to be surprisingly grateful for how I live. With more money comes more spending on things i truly don't need. I have a home to live in, food to fill my family, and water, clean water, that comes directly out of my tap. I do not live in fear for my life, I have access to medical care and warm clothes in the winter. I have knowledge because I was aloud to go to school and learn to read. I have freedom of speech and freedom of religion and freedom to peaceful protest without risk of persecution, jail or even death. I have never lived through the ravages of war and I suspect that neither will my daughter. I am a Canadian citizen, one of the most affluent countries in the world. When I get sick, I get free medical care. Other social services are there for me as well like the protection of the police, attendance of paramedics if an emergency occurs, fire fighters, many who are volunteers, who rescue people in the scariest of situations like fires and car accidents.

 In the end I need for nothing. Sure I have wants and desires for stuff, But I don't need anything.

However; just because I don't need anything does not mean that living as a poor person doesn't suck! Some days I hate it so much that I wont go out cause i don't have an extra 2bucks for a simple coffee. Often I go hungry to ensure that my daughter can eat more when she is growing. On the very very rare occasion that I can buy myself a new clothing item, that item must still be on sale. I get all other clothes as hand me downs from friends or thrift stores. I cannot get my hair cut regularly so I hide it under a hat. All these little things really do add up and some days it just breaks me, it reminds me that I am stuck in a class that barely lets me get my feet off the ground much less have the ability thrive.

I may have no needs but like everyone i sometimes have wants. I want to go to diner at a nice restaurant, I want chocolate every day, I want to be able to send my daughter to music/dance/sports lessons, heck, I want lessons in stuff I enjoy. I want stuff that I see in the flyer's I get from various stores. I want high technology devices and I want to go on vacation to somewhere hot, or someplace interesting like Cambodia or Nepal.

At the end of the month I have about 40 dollars to spare and that usually ends up in my kids hands.
So, How do I reconcile these feelings of  loss due to mental illness. Well some days I don't. some days I pity myself and tell myself that I suck cause I have no money for milk for my tea for another week. or I was stupid to buy that "thing" when I could have used it for something "important" Other days I feel good because having no money has driven me to go to places that cost nothing. The library, hiking trails, visit friends, look for joy in the most unusual of places like watching the clouds, listening to a thunder storm, watch the snow fall, have a chat with my daughter, read books, listen to music, write take photos an draw....

balancing want vs needs can be a challenge for many people, even for the super rich. Life is about how you look at it, Life is about evaluating what make you happy. Life is also about sadness and fear, and how we cope. Sure we have a class system here in Canada. fortunately though we are all human and we all share that one truth with all 7 billion other people on earth.













September 22, 2011

Me? care for myself?

We have to take responsibility for our own health care. This means that we need to be aware of our , physical,  mental, emotional and spiritual needs. Which means we need to be able asses ourselves on a daily basis. What is my body telling me? Figure out what we need to do to stay strong and able bodied. How am I coping today? Create wholesome strategies that keep us safe and of sound mind. How do I feel today? Learn a variety of words that describe emotions. Where can I find peace today? Find a connection to something bigger than ourselves.

In Canada, Our health care system is bursting at the seams. Family doctors are becoming scarce, Specialists have endless wait lists, Hospital are over capacity with emerge packed to the rim with sick people in waiting rooms, and clinics are full every day, all day. It is a serious challenge to ensure that we get the right kind of heath care for ourselves. There is hope though and that hope lies in our very own hands.

Lets start with our physical needs. No one can argue that a strong body will support all of our other health care needs. A good place to start is our eating habits. There is so much crap fast food out there that is cheep and filling. Many people will eat this high fat, high sodium, highly preserved foods simply because it is so convenient(not to mention the enforcement and support of media advertising). It takes effort and time to cook a meal with whole foods. There are too many people who don't even know how to cook something that does not come out of a box or bag(with step by step instructions on it). There are also too many people who don't know that meal planning is significantly less expensive than the quick fix of food from a box or a burger joint down the street(ya, you know what I mean). Even though nutritional facts are posted on the side of packaged foods, how many of us can make sense of it? The second most important physical need is, yup, that nasty word, Exercise!! so many of us hate it. I have even heard avid runners say that they have to push themselves out the door to get started. I can tell you things that you have all heard before, but I wont. "Just do it!" just get up and go for a walk, sign up in a class of some sort. Staying fit can be free and fun. All it takes is motivation. If you need a boost in motivation, look around you at all the people who live sedentary lives. Diabetes is so prevalent today that children are getting it. Obesity and cardio/pulmonary disease are steadily on the rise. Exercise is the cure all and best prevention of almost every major disease out there.

Second to our physical requirements we have mental and emotional demands in life. Did you know that most people cannot name a feeling beyond the basic emotions. Happy, angry, sadness and fear all have varying levels of intensity. We have secondary emotions that many people confuse with their primary emotions. As far as coping with all these jumbled feelings, there are a great number of us that, well, just don't. People use substances to the point of addiction, people become depressed and give up on caring for themselves, people develop anxieties and cannot leave the house. People get so angry that they commit violent crimes. there are so many of us that stay stuck in a rut of emotional agony that suicide is one of the leading causes of death. The difficulty lies in that most of us never learn how to cope in the first place, and we are too embarrassed (stigma, judgment) to seek help. Learning to cope with difficult and strong emotions could go a long way in preventing depression and anxiety. There would be less of a demand for medication and less stress on the system if our children were to learn how to identify emotions and know how to safely resolve their problems. This means that we need to learn about this ourselves. There are countless self help books, websites and practitioners that can do wonders in educating those who are willing to learn new ways to cope. Less painful and destructive strategies to deal with life's ups and downs.

Finally, Spirituality. This does not mean religion, though it could for some. The key to a healthy spiritual life lies in where we find peace and comfort in this world. A good spiritual life gives us a place to regenerate and put things into perspective. It can slow us down in a very fast paced world. Our spirit  gives us time to be mindful, to be in the moment, to find stillness within. Our holy selves, gives us a way to get out of the confinements of our bodies and into a realm where we are touched by something greater than this physical plane of living. There are countless ways to find a spiritual connection. Of course there are churches of all religions to attend but there are also indefinite ways to find peace of mind. Nature, the universe, yoga, meditation, reading, silence, volunteering, music and all other forms of the arts, philosophising, learning, caring, and on and on and on. Really it is what ever works for you, what ever you need to to be able to search within and find grace.

If we take care of these health requirements ourselves, there will be less need to see doctors, demand medication, stress our hospitals, and over flow our clinics. Also, we will be in tune with what is wrong with us when we really do get sick. We will be able to clearly identify what symptoms we have and clearly discuss this with a health care professional. We can feel better and prevent disorders from getting out of control or even from getting them at all.

Now, all I need to do, is take my own advice and listen to my own wisdom. Isn't that always the way?












September 15, 2011

Chocolate cake Can't Cure This One

I am excited to start a couple of groups this fall. My kind of groups are therapy groups. Ha, most people join book clubs or photo clubs, sports clubs and walking clubs. Me, I hang out with other people who struggle with Mental health and/or Addiction. For a long time I hated that all I ever did was talk about emotions and being crazy and exchange ideas about how to get out of bed.

"But oh how I loved everybody else when I finally got to talk so much about myself" - Dar Williams

But the fact of the matter is that I am deeply ingrained into this lifestyle, This is my norm. Every day is a battle of some sorts. Be it good or bad, Those people in those groups keep me in check, they put up with my quirky behaviours,(with out an ounce of judgment I will add) And remind me that there are safe people and places for in this world.

I find I tell truths in there that no one knows. truths that might offend loved ones, truths that would scare some people, truths that scare me.

I have a new friend here and this person often says "it's fine, you don't scare me". I want to scream back----WELL YOU SHOULD BE!!  I want to yell out  Too many people have left for me to believe you wouldn't also. I want to stamp my feet and outrage everything that has ever been taken from me is because of this disease, and friends are the least of those losses. People say that I am a survivor, ya sure honey, I survive. And at times that's all I do, I survive. I get by. I barely hang on by the tips of my fingers. I impatiently wait until I can go back to sleep where I wont hurt myself or fuck something up. I have stopped making plans for a future where dreams are stolen by madness. Ya, I survive." One day at a time" Ya, I survive, one paycheck at a time. Ya, I survive, at the expense of others who need to take care of me. I know your heart is in the right place but please don't tell me that I am a survivor, I don't want to hear that I am a fighter, and NO I am not strong. I exist! and that's it.

This is what is normal to me, I don't know any other way to be. I don't know what normal, average, or common feels like. I agree that all humans are special in their own right, but I am different. I am sensitive, alone in my head, fearful, wacko, loony, crazy, fked up, sick, sorry, angry, and in constant pain that no one but I can see. I carry around an invisible devil, a beast that rear's its head and beats me down all day and all night. Sometimes I have it in check, other times the devil rules my every breath. And there not many ways to escape.

I have begun to take pleasure in activities like walking, photography, decorating, writing. But the monster is quietly waiting for that day that I get over tired, or the moment I get frustrated. It waits. I will not fool myself into thinking that, just because i am doing better than in the past, the slimy demon isn't patiently sitting by.

People in my groups never say "you should", they listen and relate and never tell me how to feel. They nod their heads in silent agreement and never interrupt.


September 13, 2011

an episode of vulnerability

It feels like forever since I last spoke to you.

I asked my daughter if she knows when I am not well. "you sleep and don't come out of my room."

 I have been having a difficult time and my brain has been a little loopy. I know that writing when I am going through tough times would be all the more truthful however;  revealing my life comes with risks. Risks like embarrassment, panic, shame.

For a week. My obsession got the best of me. I needed to deal with the house before I could allow myself to relax. over the last week I have have had two overnights and and 4 days sleeping. I was obsessed about how neat and tidy I want my house to be. I want to have everything put away into it's home, where it will look good and be practical. Even though I had gone over the house once and putting stuff away, I was going over it over and over again. I could not let go of my need to have perfect order. The kind of perfect order that does not exist.

When I was not cleaning, I have sparsely been able to get out of my room, I have a tough time even opening the curtains. I have been anxious to even leave the house by myself. I still do not know who to trust in this town, who I can be crazy in front of?  When I want to go outside, I rack my brain to see who would join me and usually go with Tia because it embarrasses me to need a person around to feel safe as I step out my door.

It's funny that I am so into advocating, so into providing people with a loud voice, to help others gain courage and confidence. And yet, when my illness has taken the best of me, I isolate my self, I hide away in shame and fear. Shame and fear of what others think of me. Fear of not making any sense at all. Embarrassed that I cannot pull myself together. I become a hermit.

Could it be possible that so few stand up and rally for mental illness because most of us are unable to even move from our homes, unable to face the anxiety of large crowds. I can say that from where I stand that if I, in a relatively stable state, cannot leave my room during a mild episode, how would I ever be able to stand in a crowd of thousands to stand up for rights that I don't believe I even deserve. I have to count on people who are stronger than I am to fight for me. People who are not crazy or scared. The problem then lies in that there are many more people who live with mental illness then there are who would stand up and speak for mental illness.

Where do we find our voice?





August 30, 2011

People with Mental Illness Enrich our Lives

"I'm removing it," Fox says. "She was a negative person, she was disturbed, bipolar. I do not want to attract this kind of negative energy in my life."



This is the picture of stigma. It is the reality of Judgment.
If Hollywood says that people with mental illness are "disturbed" and negative, then I guess that makes it so huh?
lololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol

I read someone comment "I doubt anyone will remember Ms. Fox in 100yrs like they will remember Marilyn Monroe. May she rest in peace"

There are tonnes of "crazy" people in Hollywood **and beyond** who have created beauty in the world and added to the culture of humanity. Life for people on earth is enhanced by mental illness. There are Actors  (Patty Duke,  Roseanne Barr, Robin Williams, Jim Carry ),   Musicians (Curt Cobain, Ozzy Osbourne),   Scientists   (Isaac Newton, John Nash),   Writers  (Virginia Wolf, John Keats, Charles Dickens,),   World Leaders (Abraham Lincon, Margaret Trudeau,Winston Churchill, Florence Nightingale, Princess Diana ),   Athletes   (Mike Tyson, Lionel Aldridge)  and great thinkers   (Vincent Van Gogh, Charles Darwin), who all battle with their brains and juggle with their emotions. And with these people, these disturbed minds, we have been able discover who we are as human beings.

here are a few links you may like.
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Helpline1&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=4858

http://schoolgirlforreal.hubpages.com/hub/A-List-of-Famous-People-Today-With-Mental-Illnesses

A little tabloidy but interesting
http://www.popcrunch.com/13-celebrities-with-mental-illness/


The greatest gift granted to mankind comes by way of madness - Socrates
Take Pride in your Great Mind!

There is no higher grace than your love.

Anonymous   has left a new comment on your post "Who's fault is it anyway?":

Has God left your consciousness?  How did you survive all of that?  Surely your isolation was part of this delusional state.  You may debate whether or not God carried you through but you cannot debate that I helped carry you through... after every beer you were slung over my shoulder... I drove you to hospitals, I force fed you and got you hopping mad through all my bossiness.  I'd do it all again twice.  I don't need thanks.  You were able to write this blog, that's more than enough thanks for me.  I can't imagine how hard it all was but I know there were always people who looked after you and loved you - always there was God working through whomever was closest to you at the time.  "Who's fault is it anyway?"  It was your cross to bear and I dare say you're still bearing it.  One thing I've always admired about you is that you've never bared this cross silently.  We may never know how many people you've helped by doing that.

Because this is anonymous I am not certain who wrote this. The response was for "Who's Fault is it Anyway?" But I feel it belonged in the Shout Out.

I will address the God issue brought up here first. How I feel about the practice of  Religion is irrelevant here.  Mental Health Illness has NO boundaries. It affects people of all Race's, Faith's, Gender's, Cultures, Sexual orientation's..... There is no limit to whom/when Mental Illness can occur. 1 in 4 Canadians have it. So, It is my belief that every person has their own unique way of coping. By bringing in conversations about religion, the message becomes lost in the debate of "Who's God?" or "the existence of God".  My message is about Stigma and Judgment. I tell my story because I know that any person who is going through or has gone through or has seen someone go through mental illness, can relate to what I am revealing. If I can get people to feel less alone, they may talk about their illness more. The more people there are who can talk the more stigma and judgment can be erased. When I am so open and honest, I hope that it brings confidence and relevance to the lives of others.

In saying that, Yes, God has helped. And you're right so did you. And again you are right, I did/do have many supporters and loved ones. How did I survive though? Well at the core of my survival was that failure to survive was not an option. Second to that basic need are the people in my life. I said in my shout out yesterday that My life would be all the more lost without these people. I honestly could not count the number of people who cared. And, there really are no words to extend gratitude - especially to those who went unacknowledged and cared none the less. It is not at all an easy task to help those of us who are chronically battling these disorders.  I know that I can be a stubborn bitch, mean and snarly. I can be way way over dramatic and then lose sight of the big picture. I have been over the top and close to catatonic. I have felt unworthy of help, love or hope, and so pushed people away.  But you my friends, have stood by none the less. I am not what I would consider a popular person. I do however, have a selection of angelic people who have saved me time and time again.

Another massive shout out to those who cared for my daughter. Everybody from her daycare and her teachers and the boys and girls club. Everybody who has taken her into their hearts and homes. I have been adamant and consistent about ensuring she has always felt loved, no matter how far gone I am. You all have given my little girl a fair chance in life and together we have raised and really great kid! She has take in all of your values and is becoming a young lady who is coming into her own beautifully. Your love for her has saved her time and time again as well.

asking for your help was tough, needing your help was tougher, but receiving your help has been a grace.

THANK YOU. (saying thank you is easy).

August 29, 2011

A Shout out to the ones who Love!!

I received a long letter this morning that reminded me that there are people silently sitting by, Loving and Cherishing those who suffer Mental Health issues. These are the Parents, Sisters, Brothers, Aunts and Uncles. The friends that stand by and visit, The people who help to pick up the pieces. The Nurses and Doctors and Social Workers who have dedicated their lives and careers to care for those of us who cannot always care for ourselves. I am forever and truly grateful. There really are now words to express how my life would have turned out with out them. I am sure it would have become nothing good. I have felt like I have lost everything, every dream stolen by a mind that could never function quite right. The reality is though that I could have lost so much more with out these people.

Here is a portion of that letter.
But respecting what you are doing so well in your blog, I want to add: The simple truth is that those suffering with a mental illness are not the only ones that suffer. One in four Canadians is affected by Mental Health issues, for the most part these numbers come from depression, where a large number of people are afflicted at some point in their lives. But the reality is that for every person affected by a mental health issue there are 10 people also affected. The costs to families and loved ones as they try to deal with this issue, ripples like dominoes, the costs to families, the costs to the health care system, the costs to society are tenfold. And yet there is more money spent on AIDS research then there is on Mental Health, do not get me wrong, I think there should be money spent on AIDS research, but if AIDS affects one in ten, and Mental Health affects one in four Canadians, then there should be a proportionate amount spend on Mental Health issues. Like AIDS, the only way to do this it to stop the stigma.

Mental Illness and Addiction appears to be such a selfish disease, perhaps it is. Perhaps it is the selfishness that keeps that small part of us that is just rational enough to remember we are human and that we hurt. It becomes very, very easy to forget or to not ever realise that there are people around us who care. We do not have to commit suicide to see that no one would care enough to show up to our funeral. We don't have to hide ourselves away out of fear of "being seen like this". WE ARE LOVED. And those who love us DO stand by and often watch helplessly while we battle the madness and self hatred.

There is hope, there is always hope.
I choose to write this blog out of love and compassion for those who feel lost, judged, and lonely. Please remember that You Are Never Alone in this fight for life.

XOXOXO

August 28, 2011

High on Pets

We don't need anymore pets already!!! OMG, my daughter is hooked on pets. How could this have happened? Suddenly my house is full of critters. 8 Rats, 1Dog, 1 Kitten, and 1 Turtle back in Vic waiting to be moved to us. Now, she want 2 Guppies! Is there no end? Well ya, I know I can say no, I can put my foot down and even maybe get rid of said pets. But you know what? I love them. I feel the therapy of loving animals. It breaks my heart how cute they are. I have missed it for many years. I grew up with animals in my house. They were family and I can say that they have contributed to the happy times in my life. I do admit that love lying on the floor and have my rats scurry all over me, have them sniff in my ear or tuck themselves in my armpit. Well off to the pet store to get guppies.

August 27, 2011

Who's fault is it anyway?

Be warned to those close to me, there are truthes in this blog that have never been spoken.

I don't know exactly when I began to show signs of Mental Illness (I'm sure my mother does but still wont tell me because she feels that her love is stronger than my illness - for which I have much gratitude). I suspect, however, that my parents divorce was, most certainly, a catalyst for anything that may have been hiding under the surface to explode into my existence and into every decision I made there after.
 I began to show real signs of distress and difficulty managing my moods when I was about 12. this is when my life turned inside out and everything I knew to be real, crumbled around me. I sat stunned and bewildered alone in my bedroom, I became my only best friend for years to come.

I was not diagnosed with bipolar until I was about 23, So, I lived with Mental Illness for over a decade and went completely untreated.(except that my parents desperately kept trying to convince me to go to counselling, I of course hated every second of it and refused to participate most of the time).

Most people who suffer from bouts of depression are living in pain or anger over something (death, loss, illness) where these emotions are totally approiate to be with. Those emotions are "real" there is a valid, normal, solid reason for them. Bipolar is not the average mood disorder. It is a psychoaffective disorder that really often makes no sense, follows no rules and can be totally unpridictable. Bipolar resembles so much like the roller coaster of adolescents that very few doctors would diagnose a teenager with such a pervasive ailment. This means that as a youth living with undiagnosed and untreated bipolar, I managed really hurt a lot of people. I was out of control most of the time. I began to self medicate at 14 and boy oh boy did I ever love being blasted. This is also when I came out of my isolation and began to socialise. Under the influence of intoxicants I could stay in a mania for days and days, rarely sleeping. I would draw, paint, and write over night, school during the day and party all other times.  I went to all extremes in life in order to feel anything other than crazy. by the time I was 16 I had been pregnant and had an abortion, I was cutting myself and starving myself. I had been date raped, and had sex with too many guys for me to say (highly sexualised behaviour is a symptom)
 I was using booze and drugs when ever I could. I stole large amounts of money, or sold myself, to pay for these habits.(self medicating is very common). The only thing I could count on was that eventually there would be a depression. (My best friends mother knew by the sound of my voice what kind of day I was having). I slept, cried, and hid away from the world. I would paint darkness, I would write darkness and I would succom to darkness. I hated my life, I would drown my senses with meloncholy music to the point of driving my mother up the wall. Now, the substances were used for sleep aid. I discovered cold medcine and peach shnaps along with gravol and hash could numb all the pain that living with myself entailed. There was no specific source of destitution, I could find an excuse most of the time so "it" could make sense, but truth be told....It just hapend. I was too young, and with no diagnosis there was no help for me to know what was really going on, that I was ill, not bad.

 Over the course of my life I commited a large number of fuck ups, nothing involving the law thankfully. I took pride in my ability to sting people who attempted battle with me. I was amased at how it became so simple to use people for selfish purposes. My life became about anger and anyone who got in the way became victims of it. I truely thought I was in control of this anger, I didn't know how huge it really was at the time. I had no true friends at the time because I had alienated them all.  I had driven so many people away from me that I felt worthless and undeserving of a good life.

Now I ask, who's fault was all this, this life that has led me to a lifetime of addiction and insanity. Some say I made my own choices, but really I have to know, had I not been ill, lacking in judgment and impulse control, would I have made the same choices? Would I have become an addict if I had no reason to self medicate? Would I have hurt as many people if my manias didn't make me feel so self rightious and my depressons so angry? So much of my life is like a textbook case. For a person with Bipolar, Sexualised behaviour is normal, so is anger and self importance, as well and worthlessness and utter shame. Judgment is deeply impared during extreme highs and lows, So how do I accept responsibility when mental illness played a larger role in my life than my rationality. Not that I don't feel shame and regret, but how much of that shame do I need to carry? Once I was diagnosed, sure, it most certainly becomes my responsibility to care for myself and my own well being - even if that means allowing others to care for me when I cant. But even with the best securities put in place, it often is not enough. When in a manic state, I want nothing to do with coming down. I want to push it to the end because I get so much done. When in a depressive state, I can barely stand up to get out of bed let alone drag myself to the doctor or hospital. So how do I reconsile these differences. How do I find a ballance to what are my choices and what are choices based on being ill? I have spoken to a lot of people over time and no one can give a difinitive answer, So for now its up for debate.


August 24, 2011

A Little Obessive Are We?

My life is an endless series of notes. Notes to myself, Notes to do, notes to remember, notes of wants versus needs. If I lose these notes, I panic and stress because "things will not go the way I want it to".

I have a fantasy that the entire house, my schedule, my shopping is, you know, Done. Just like those pictures in house and home magazine. Every object in its place, Every colour scheme matching and things that have no "home" are removed or discarded. Every line in place, every book meticulously organised and displayed to attract someones eyes Everything clean and ready to make a good impression. All the ideal amount of food and every box in storage, sorted,  repacked, labeled and ready to sit in another basement for yet another several years.

And so I write notes, to remind me of what I need to get done in so as to live in a perfectly organised environment. Many of said notes are scattered across many books and scraps of paper written and stored in no particular order. The ideas I try to save get harder to look for among hundreds of sheets of paper with crossed out to do lists. I don't even know if I will ever see this note again (clearly I did). Out it comes none the less. Do I really have to focus on making the spare room blue with a sunny day at the beach atmosphere - (Witch is really more of a den where we watch movies or play games and hang out with the rats.) Do I consider ever that the dishes need doing or that the toilet needs cleaning? NO, certainly not with as much focus as to write myself a letter to remind me that the toilet stinks.

August 22, 2011

Are You Mental!!

People with mental illness's as a disability are viewed differently than those who have physical disabilities. Not the mention the fact that anything physical can be observed where as usually only silence comes from those who are suffering inside themselves.

Those people who are mentally ill tend to be depicted as acting strange or not complying to society's expectations. This is one of the many factors that determine what kind of judgments are placed on people who battle with the invisible devil.

There is quite often empathy and compassion for those who carry physical disorders. On the other hand most people don't stop to consider how painful it is to be made to feel that "this is all in their head" or "so and so just did that to get attention". Now the illness must be fought on two fronts. The agony they live with moment by moment; and business of proving true illness to a world that still believes that crazy people need to be locked up.  When a depressed or anxious person feels like they cannot talk to anyone they fall deeper and deeper, faster and faster. The third front is that so much shame attached to these disorders that people who suffer with them take on that shame as personal cross to bare and are forced to "just suck it up" And never tell anyone. When we do tell someone Often what happens is we are misdiagnosed and sometimes ignored, There are many doctors who will just push pills and never listen to a word you say. Psychiatrists who work for free(or very little) are a dying breed.

Anger is viewed as nonsense or dramatised. Sadness is viewed as wasteful and none productive. Addiction is viewed as immoral and corrupt. Overall, the fact that our body's are doing just fine, imposes people to think that Mental illness can be cured. All to often people are confused about why Shela doesn't get out more and socialise or why in gods name, why she would hurt herself, or why can Freddy does not just quit, just change, just give it up, just stop feeling sorry for himself.

Stigma Makes people silent. And Silence makes mental illness fatal! Yup, you heard it. And no I am not exaggerating in the least. When a depressed or anxious person feels like they cannot talk to anyone they fall deeper and deeper, faster and faster. The shame, the desire to be believed, dredging sadness, It whithers a person to nothing. The moment that a suicidal person feels profoundly and inescapably alone, is the moment that life has no appeal.

This may sound a little biter, It's not. These are the kind of thoughts that race through me every time I ponder about why stigma against mental illness so hard. Why are lives still being lost, ruined, and forgotten?

That is my thought for the day.
Stop the silence. Speak up, speak out.
Take Pride in your Great Mind!




 

August 21, 2011

Book

I am presently reading a book  that has me feeling that I am reading my own brain. There have been times of weeping and times of confusing. I begin to remember things, or maybe they are dreams. I don't know it's a foggy type of memory.

A recent passage I read....

I feel frustrated now when I hear people referring to suicide as a self-centered act: of course it is. Nobody would commit if the pain of being inside herself, the agony of the sleepless tortured hours spent watching the world get smaller and uglier, were bearable or could be relieved by other people telling her how they wanted her to feel.  A depressed person is selfish because her self, the very core of who she is will not leave her alone, and she can no more stop thinking about this self and how to escape it then a prisoner held captive by a sadistic serial killer can forget about the person who comes in to torture her every day. Her body is brutalized by the mind. I hurts to breathe, sleep, eat, walk, think. The gross maneuvering of her limbs are so overwhelming, so wearying, that the fine muscle movements or quickness of wit necessary to write , to actually say something, are completely out of the question


Stacy Pershall
Loud in the House of Myself - memoir of a strange girl
pgs. 134-135


I have completely lost count how many times I have been down this road, crawled through this path. For now I am managing rather well. I have to tell you though that I am awfully aware of that devil on my shoulder. I am older now and wiser and have been through too much therapy, so I cant say that I am affraid of that monster inside me. I simply have to remain prepared.I have a care plan in place so that doctors and nurses know where I stand in my own health care needs and most of all they will have my desires regarding my child. Talk to your local CMHA(Canadian Mental Health Association). To help you find resources and safe places. You can also contact either your local crissis line or try the front few pages of the phone book for crissis information lines. The Suicide distress line is 1-800-SUICIDE. 1-800-784-2433  The help line for children is 310-1234. And the kids help l 1phone is.1-800-668-6868

When it gets too hard, thats ok, there is no shame in asking for help. In our society we have the belief that we are supposed to handle all of our affairs independently. This is just not the case, Human beings are not designed to be alone, we live in communities for a reason. And It can be astounding what people will do for each other, Ask and you shall recieve.



August 20, 2011

Isolation

I have been isolating for the last few days, not so good. I have managed to get some of the house work done but have been unable to get myself to go outside. I have been feeling frightened to talk to anyone. I feel like all my words would come out wrong or jumbled and that no one would be able to understand me. So, I stay in my mind and talk to myself. I have been reading and journaling and writing to do lists. Money is really tight this month and will be for a while, I'm still paying for the move and My daughter is eating enough to fill up 5 kids! I have been tempted to go buy booze just to cope, but I know for sure that such and act would make it all worse and drag me down. None the less, coping with cravings is hard to do. Today I am going to get out and go shop for food with Tia. If I can do just one thing today, then I can find something pleasant to do that will help me to recover from going out of my my house. so ta ta for now boys and girls.

August 18, 2011

some time

hey folks, blog to come... I have has some busy day's and need to chill with my body and recharge my brain.   Thanks to you who come and check this blog out. Remember to spread the word that mental illness is not equal to crazy, and that we are most often not people to fear.

August 16, 2011

Sleep well my friends

Hello,  Today is one of the low days. It has been a day of rest and music and books. When I am unrested, my life can crumble in around me. I can either get miserably depressed or, more likely, end up hypo manic. I have discovered over the last several years how critical sleep is for healing and happiness. I know that I need at least 8hrs of sleep a night, no short cuts. I am at my best if I get around 9-10hrs a night. With this amount of sleep, i am able to conquer my anxiety and will be less likely to have panic attacks about getting out of the house. If I get under 7hrs/night I am totally useless for the day, It becomes a battle to just get out of bed let alone my house. So, I do things like listen to music, read books, watch TV/movies, or what ever else I can do while resting in the safety of my home. I have begun to use these low days to get emails done, paper work filed or finished, phone calls to catch up on...etc. By activating my brain a little, I am able to feel like the day is not a total waste. I can stay home and effectively(meaning no drugs, no self harm, no isolating in bed) manage my anxiety and feel like I am being productive. Those chores likely wouldn't get done if I didn't do them during down time.
When it comes to anxiety, panic and agoraphobia the only way for me to plow through it is to allow myself to have guilt free days of self care. Self care is not selfish, It is self first. Once I have done all I can to care for my emotional, physical and spiritual needs, then it is time to get back out and face the world.

August 15, 2011

Am I a Sociopath?

When I was first diagnosed with borderline personality disorder I was in shock and confused. I thought Personality disorder?? does this mean I am defective, dangerous or deficient?? All I have ever heard about personality disorders was that "those people" are psychos. "Those people" were hopelessly incurable and "those people" are a threat to society. "Those people" are usually locked up on wards for the criminally insane. So what does this mean for me? Well I am not locked up (anymore), no one is dead (not even me), and I am perfectly functional (most of the time).
A personality disorder diagnosis can often do a lot more damage than even a fraction of good. The words personality disorder become haunting and linger around like a dense fog.  A person who is already in distress can easily become discouraged with the seemingly permanent defect of character. The time between my diagnosis and when I finally began treatment was about 6 years. It wasn't that I was in denial. I was not ready to take on a new diagnosis that made me sound even more (what I believed to be) loony than I already was. Instead, I became a drug addict.
What I eventually learned was that Personality disorder is not really aptly named. Some theorists believe that the problem is not about a personality but rather it is a problem with emotional regulation.

      "The Borderline Personality Disorder provides an example of the affective pattern of experiencing both emotional extremes; from highly intense and dys-regulated emotions to the extreme opposite-- feelings of numbness and detachment. Persons with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to be highly sensitive and react with great emotional intensity. They have powerful feelings in the context of interpersonal relationships particularly when difficulties and conflict cause them to feel intensely anxious, angry, or down. During interpersonal conflicts they become easily overwhelmed with the intensity of their emotions, and may have a hard time calming down once they are upset. At other times, people with Borderline Personality Disorder can rapidly shift to the polar opposite and suddenly feel completely disconnected, numb, empty, and detached. Many people with Borderline Personality Disorder end up injuring or harming themselves in reaction to this emptiness and the accompanying feelings of numbness. Other people tend to react with fear or anger to their rapidly shifting emotional states and their self-injurious behavior. This only serves to escalate interpersonal conflict. Therefore, interpersonal relationship difficulties and conflicts are a common consequence of the intense, rapidly fluctuating emotions associated with this disorder"
Simone Hoermann, Ph.D., Corinne E. Zupanick, Psy.D. & Mark Dombeck,


OK, great!! I am not a psycho. and I can even get better. Even though borderline has left its scars on me, I did walk out of it alive and well. In fact, I began to feel better than I could ever remember. Not that it was easy. I worked very, very hard in therapy. I practiced skill after skill. And I allowed myself to look inward and brave facing my pain and anger. I fought and fought to let go of my impulsive behaviours. The cutting stopped and I got off the substances that were draining my ability to think. Although treatable, I believe it is a prevalent disorder that requires extra vigilance and much attention to the small details in my life and thrive on mindfulness. I will always have big and fluctuating emotions, and it will always be an inner battle to calm myself.  And best of all I will always be a sensitive person! In taking time to learn about myself, growing within my new parameters, and actually love myself, I figured out that I am not alone, and that Yes, I Am OK.










August 14, 2011

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Every day that I wake up I tell myself that I have a chance to live the rest of my life from this moment on. I say this even though I do not know what day it is. I dream vivid lucid dreams. Every night I live wonderfully wild, terribly terrifying, and beautifully constructed lives that live so deep within my consciousness that by the time the next day arrives, I often cannot remember what day I am waking up to and usually have difficulty piecing together previous days. I used to meticulously keep track of everything I did and felt from day to day, then week to week. I created an elaborate chart that recorded my daily emotions, my daily activities, urges, sleep patterns, moods, interactions and any thing else that could help me remember my waking life. I was trying to learn the art of mindfulness as a skill to help me shape my illness, all the while staying obsessed about trying to keep the past in records and calculations. I tried to take those calculations and apply them to my future choices. I wanted to make more logical, less emotional pathways towards a better life, a life where I could remember the past and know what day it was.  Now, well the dreams are still outrageous and I still cannot remember what day it is for a bit after I open my eyes. I do remember though that every day that I open my eyes is a good start, and that every good start is a fresh start, and that every fresh start is an opportunity to let go of the past. Letting go is the sole of mindfulness and letting go through mindfulness is very hard to do (and even harder to maintain). Mindfulness is a practice. Mindfulness is a way of living and a way of being. Mindfulness is about slowing down and taking note of the moment. Practicing mindfulness is to practice letting time stand still from one second to the next. Every day I wake up and tell myself that today is a fresh new day with fresh new possibilities and that, for this second, I do not need to know what day it is, all I need to know is all around me hidden in the sights, sounds, and scents that surround me.