It has been quite a while since I have written anything, mostly due to trying to remain sane. I have been rapid cycling lately and am trying really hard to get it under some sort of control. I feel like I have to start a scheduled life, but I can't seem to get my shit together long enough to do what I set out to do. I have been waking up the last 4 mornings sick to my stomach and some days I even get out of the house. I was looking around my place yesterday thinking "this is my prison" I am stuck inside on the pretence that I need to clean or write or cook or sleep or read or whatever I can find to do "inside". when I do go out, I lose myself in my headphones(music) and my camera. I sort of live in a haze of things to do, like shopping or work or church. If i am alone, I shut out the world that I am walking through and try to narrow my focus on one thing at a time. And, if at all possible, I go out with people I trust. So, really what is happening is my Agoraphobia is creeping back into my life. As soon as this flu like thing is gone I have to take charge once again. I have to write down a schedule that includes going out at least once a day, everyday. I have to find places to go where others will count on me or miss me if I am not there. I really worry about making new friends, I get anxious at the thought of going out to visit people I don't know too well yet and making an utter fool of myself. I really want to go out to be with people but I cannot bring myself to just do it.
Feeling sick like this makes me want to just curl up and turtle. Turtling is when I pull up the covers all the way over my head, pillows on top of that and lonely a nose hole to breath out of. I feel like I took a massive step forward by moving up here alone, and I am happy with myself for doing it, but I now feel like those back steps are coming and I don't want to accept that for myself. There are so many things I have to let go of in order to keep moving ahead with my life. No. 1 of those things to let go of is my house and how clean I demand it to be. It is not only tough on me to live up to my standards but it is really tough on my daughter to live up to my standards, and not fair on her either. I hate to be disorganised and I hate not being able to find things that haven't been put away properly. I hate the smell of a bathroom kitty litter, and the look of stuff all over the living room floor. But, I have to let go of all that.
Well, for now, I am going to make myself a neo-citron, take an Ibuprofen, and watch TV. even though it means leaving my heap of laundry alone and ignoring the accumulation of garbage on my floor.
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