addition to acceptence or denile

.You are..a friend, a sister, a daughter, a grand-daugher, a writer, a tease, an artist, a canadian(e), a british columbian(e), a prince ruperter, an intellectual, an ont"errible" transplant, a north american(e), a caucasian(e), a woman, a great student, a 30something, a brown eyed girl, a bitch, a flirt, a honey-pie-sweetie-love, a poor person, an educated person, a drama queen, a compassionate soul, a kick ass dancer.... (ad nauseum...)

Don't you think those are enough labels? Why would you like to then accept your identity as outlined in a psych text book (that will seem ridiculous to students 100 years from now?) I get and am happy that you can live with a diagnosis rather than deny it but you don't need to be a poster child for bipolar or anything else in order to have a voice. It's just that you happen to be mentally ill at the moment. What happens if your diagnoses change with the onset of menopause or something??? Then what happens to your whole world? I'm so proud of you in how far you've delved in understanding and managing your illness but it just seems to me that this admission is one of bondage to a medical label - and cheating the pure soul raw with potential that God made you to be.

I didn't think you'd want me to post this rant publicly.  You get to define who you are and what you want to be. Made in God's image means that we get to co-create our experience... not have everything the way we want it but influence what we've got.

The above was emailed to me by a soul mate and love one.

It is the accumulation of everything that defines me that bundles me under the heading mental illness. I am a Mentally ill ....mom, sister, daughter, friend, artist, writer, thoughtful, friendly, a grand-daughter, a tease, a Canadian(e), a British Columbian(e), a prince Ruperter  (It’s Prince George), an intellectual, an Ont"errible" transplant, a north American(e),  a Caucasian(e), a woman, a great student, a 30something, a brown eyed girl, a bitch, a flirt, a honey-pie-sweetie-love, a poor person, an educated person, a drama queen, a compassionate soul, a kick ass dancer.... By putting a heading of Mental illness before each quality (role, label, designation, title, identity...) Helps me to package myself into a whole person. It helps to remind myself that these disorders (bipolar, borderline [not so much w/ anxiety and depression]) are permanent and pervasive and in need of constant attention. I need to consider, with every major decision of my life, that because I am mentally ill I must be aware of anything that could interfere with my stability and overall health (as well as that of my daughter until she is old enough to care for herself). This is not always a negative consideration process. A thought could go like this...” I am not doing well and am not leaving the house, a decision needs to be made to get myself out”. I remember that I love music (a value) so I close the drapes and do some kick ass dancing around the house (an activity).  I know from a life time of experience and years of therapy, that using such a skill takes me a step closer to activation (getting out) by changing my body chemistry (from education).

 An example of how this would work for a decision that could have had a considerably larger affect on me, or anyone really, was my decision to move....”I am really unhappy in Victoria. I hate my place, I am frustrated by people in my life, I don’t feel like I can move on with my healing journey here, the city has changed and I don’t like that it is so expensive, I need more independence for myself, I want to get out of the rain, I have a lot to offer in the Prince George mental health system that I would never be able to do I Vic due to conflict of interest... All this and more was affecting my mental health. Moving became the only option left for me. However, the stress of moving out of town, away from my support system of friends and family, could also break me down. So, it was a decision that I thought about for a few years. There would be a lot that I would need to do to protect myself from my illness. I waited until I was stable enough to make the move. I did not want this to be an impulse decision without the use of proper judgment. I then began to look for a town that would fit my needs, mental health care needs. I looked for a place with transit, schools to choose from (for Tia and I), manageable rent and living expenses, a good system of mental health care providers. I researched many places that could offer support if I needed it. I got referrals to a doctors and counsellors. My number one concern was that I needed to know that I would be safe in the hands of the “system” they had there, and that my daughter would be sent back to either her dad or my mom upon possible crisis. With every part of my decision the fact that I am mentally Ill had to be considered. Everything from nourishing my hobbies and interests (great arts and outdoor community) to setting up my living arraignments within walking distance to the hospital, downtown, the clinic, the school, the church and a shopping center. I called many of these places ahead of making a final decision to give my notice to the landlord. I created a personal plan and wrote down what I would do to help manage my emotions over the next few months that would indeed impact my mental health weather I wanted it or not. I reviewed my skills daily and spent a lot of time caring for my mental health and welfare.  When I arrived at PG, I was overwhelmed and frightened as I had expected but I already had people to help before even driving into the city. They were waiting at my door on a rainy morning ready to help unload my truck and help me get comfortable. I had the community of the church family that would embrace me and welcome me. When I was getting settled I went to a place called the Community Response Unit (CRU) to set up an emergency plan and put myself in the radar of the mental health care system here. I was stable and doing well I said but I needed to create a plan and make connections so I will have a security net. I joined a few groups and am now in the process of working within the health care system to help others. I am still stable and I am still doing well and I am happy.  My decision to move my daughter and myself up north and away from all that we know is a massive decision for anyone to make. I believe that because I am mentally ill, I came into this choice with my eyes wide open. Mental illness drove me out of Victoria, mental illness kept me safe, stable and determined, and mental illness now provides me with insight to help others.  There is nothing, in my view, where mental illness has impaired me or weakened me, or made me feel unworthy or incapable of making and maintaining tough decisions. Labeling myself, if you need to put it as such, had done nothing but help me to learn my limitations and how I can turn them into living a productive life.

No, you are correct, I'm not a poster child for anything and It is unfortunate that you might think this is what I am trying to accomplish here. These stories that I tell are personal and written from my own perspective. I don’t try to encourage others to believe what I believe, or that my way is the best way. The only way that I can try to lift stigma around me is by telling my story, in as many ways as I know how. I want to encourage others to tell their story and know that it is safe to do so. Telling me I am trying to be some sort of advertisement for" the cause" is a judgment that I never imagined would come from you. I am “at the moment” mentally ill. Bipolar is a chemical imbalance that I am certainly able to manage, but never cure (likely not in my lifetime anyway, the world spends much more time and money looking for the cure for cancer and HIV than any kind of mental illness) and Borderline personality disorder (which many think should be called emotional deregulation disorder because it not really a personality issue) is a sensitivity of behavioural/emotional issues. I was born with and became nurtured throughout my life, and, again can be managed but not cured (there are no medications either and so far the revolutionary DBT therapy offers coping strategies that is helping people manage better than ever before). I am in fact “at the moment” stable and doing very well with only minor ups and downs. I am “at the moment” stable in my mental illness, and I am able to offer insight into my thoughts. I am “at the moment” healthy, but I am wise enough to be aware of potential changes, and how to respond quickly to those changes. If my “diagnosis” changes, than I will evolve with that change and apply it to what I know now. I don’t feel like it is bondage to the “test book case of medical labels” Quite the opposite is true for me. I find that by accepting it allows me to work with it, which allows me to be productive and healthy. I do not pity myself nor do I want any pity for this, I no longer fall prey to the world of scientists that want to dope me up with pills and see what happens. I manage my own health care and wish more people would learn how to do the same.

In closing, I love to be challenged and questioned and I especially want to hear other stories that I can learn from. When I am challenged, I know that I either have to defend or further explain or even drop my argument. Don't hesitate to do so. If you prefer to do so without it going onto my blog feel free to email me privately (I will always unfailingly respect your privacy and confidentiality)

duskgrainger@gmail.com