Am I a Sociopath?

When I was first diagnosed with borderline personality disorder I was in shock and confused. I thought Personality disorder?? does this mean I am defective, dangerous or deficient?? All I have ever heard about personality disorders was that "those people" are psychos. "Those people" were hopelessly incurable and "those people" are a threat to society. "Those people" are usually locked up on wards for the criminally insane. So what does this mean for me? Well I am not locked up (anymore), no one is dead (not even me), and I am perfectly functional (most of the time).
A personality disorder diagnosis can often do a lot more damage than even a fraction of good. The words personality disorder become haunting and linger around like a dense fog.  A person who is already in distress can easily become discouraged with the seemingly permanent defect of character. The time between my diagnosis and when I finally began treatment was about 6 years. It wasn't that I was in denial. I was not ready to take on a new diagnosis that made me sound even more (what I believed to be) loony than I already was. Instead, I became a drug addict.
What I eventually learned was that Personality disorder is not really aptly named. Some theorists believe that the problem is not about a personality but rather it is a problem with emotional regulation.

      "The Borderline Personality Disorder provides an example of the affective pattern of experiencing both emotional extremes; from highly intense and dys-regulated emotions to the extreme opposite-- feelings of numbness and detachment. Persons with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to be highly sensitive and react with great emotional intensity. They have powerful feelings in the context of interpersonal relationships particularly when difficulties and conflict cause them to feel intensely anxious, angry, or down. During interpersonal conflicts they become easily overwhelmed with the intensity of their emotions, and may have a hard time calming down once they are upset. At other times, people with Borderline Personality Disorder can rapidly shift to the polar opposite and suddenly feel completely disconnected, numb, empty, and detached. Many people with Borderline Personality Disorder end up injuring or harming themselves in reaction to this emptiness and the accompanying feelings of numbness. Other people tend to react with fear or anger to their rapidly shifting emotional states and their self-injurious behavior. This only serves to escalate interpersonal conflict. Therefore, interpersonal relationship difficulties and conflicts are a common consequence of the intense, rapidly fluctuating emotions associated with this disorder"
Simone Hoermann, Ph.D., Corinne E. Zupanick, Psy.D. & Mark Dombeck,


OK, great!! I am not a psycho. and I can even get better. Even though borderline has left its scars on me, I did walk out of it alive and well. In fact, I began to feel better than I could ever remember. Not that it was easy. I worked very, very hard in therapy. I practiced skill after skill. And I allowed myself to look inward and brave facing my pain and anger. I fought and fought to let go of my impulsive behaviours. The cutting stopped and I got off the substances that were draining my ability to think. Although treatable, I believe it is a prevalent disorder that requires extra vigilance and much attention to the small details in my life and thrive on mindfulness. I will always have big and fluctuating emotions, and it will always be an inner battle to calm myself.  And best of all I will always be a sensitive person! In taking time to learn about myself, growing within my new parameters, and actually love myself, I figured out that I am not alone, and that Yes, I Am OK.