Letting Go is Stressful Too!

I haven't been feeling much like writting for a long time. I have not been clear and mindful in my life. I am stressed. I am just overwhelmed and obsessing and exhausted. I have not been well lately because of this is stress. This stress is so tiresome that I had a total meltdown and locked myself in the dark basement with a book. I have stopped caring about cleaning. In fact, my place is in such dissorder that I wouldn't know where to start. I am back to not eating properly, and I don't care about that either. Any thing in my life that I had any beliefs of having any sense of control over, I have avoided. This has not done much for my anxiety because now I stress about not doing anything. No lists, No chores, No cooking, and No ambition. I feel as though I do not get validation or appreciation around here. I feel as though I have pushed myself into a corner and there I lay. I believe that if my standards too high for me, so high that I break down, than how could anyone else measure up. I am still having anxiety in regards to my  home. Something in the fridge smells like, um, stink. Stuff is scattered all over the living room, stairs, hallways, and bathrooms. It is unkept, and looks that way. I am overpowered by the urge to write a+ist, to the point where I have to take my paper and pens away from myself. I have to let go, but it feels like it is at the cost of living with  anxiety and distress. I just want to close my eyes to it all and continue to hide.

Occupy Canada, Occupy the World

Written on the Left

I am a college senior, about to graduate completely debt free.  I pay for all my living expenses by working w30+ hrs a week making barely above minimum wage. I chose a moderately priced, instate public university and started saving $ for school at age 17. I got decent grades in high school and received 2 scholarships which comer 90% of my tuition. I currently have a 2.38 GPA. I live comfortably in a cheap apt. knowing I can’t have everything I want. I don’t eat out every day, or even once a month. I have no credit care, now car, iPad or smart phone—and I’m perfectly OK with that. If I did have debt, I would not blame Wall St. or the government for my own bad decisions. I live below my means to continue saving for the future. I expect nothing to be handed to me, and will continue to work for my $$ off for everything I have. That’s how it’s supposed to work. I am NOT the 99%, and whether or not you are is YOUR decision.

Written on the Right.

I’m sorry to tell you this because you seem to feel quite adamantly about your position on the issue, but it seems clear to me that you don’t understand the issue at all.  When the Occupy Wall St. Protesters say “we are the 99% it means “we are the 99% of Americans who are not billionaires” So unless you struck oil while you were in college, then you most certainly are the 99%. Graduating debt free from college is a great accomplishment, but it by no means makes you a billionaire. I also feel as though you are missing the entire pint of this movement.  Average, hard working Americans, Americans who, whether you believe it or not, work equally as hard as you do, have been ripped off. Wall Street Executives committed fraud and caused the entire global recession the world is currently suffering from. Regular people’s tax money went to bail out these banks, the executives of which proceeded to award themselves millions of dollars worth in bonuses. You don’t think people have a right to be angry? And you claim that it is your choice whether or not you are in the 99%, but you said yourself, you went to an in-state public university, and while you may have gotten a fantastic education, in the competitive world, that university on a resume is going to be a disadvantage to you, and unless you have serious connections, or win the lottery. It is unlikely you will make it into that 1%. Whereas, someone born into the 1%, is almost guaranteed. They can pay for an amazing education and their parents can use connections or power (for money is power) to get them high paying positions in companies. The movement, despite what you appear to think it is, is not a bunch of lazy Americans complaining because they want hand outs. It’s a group of hard-working Americans, fighting the system that is unfair, and does not work. These awesome people are angry that they were ripped off, and they are fighting against corporate greed and against the banks and executives that buy the country in this situation. I implore you to not pay so much attention to the media, for the media is run by big corporations, who want to paint this protest as a group of crazy lazy people, just looking for a cause. It’s their greed that we are fighting against. But please, do your research, before you lash out against a movement of hard working people being brave enough to use their voices. If we don’t speak out now, the gap will widen further, and I can promise things will get worse not just for us, but for you as well

I have said in a past post(from stinkin' rich to untouchable) that I have an immense amount of gratitude for what I been given in life, what privileges I have, and for the love I receive. This photo sort of leads me to this concept of thankfulness and appreciation. Clearly the author of the letter has a sense of obligation to create his own life and not allow others to trap him down with  senseless financial expenses. Clearly he understands, and has understood for a long time, the value of money and how to use it. This is a cleverness that not all people have. It is not taught in schools, and money, being such a "secret issue" in families, is not honestly and openly discussed at home either. A lot of people learn this hard lesson in the most difficult way. DEBT. And this makes the banks very happy. Large companies gain from purchases that credit cards will charge interest for. We have become conditioned to being consumers. We are inundated with over 3000 advertisements a day and generally only aware of about 75/day. These adds tell us what we need, want, and should have. And many consumers barely think about their purchases. We have houses that we fill with stuff and storage units to put stuff we want to keep but have no room for in our houses. Even people who can budget with the best of them use most their income for purchasing desires over needs. Many shop at big box stores that make billions off the sweat of  foreigners backs for pennies a day. Many don't even know how to shop local, or worse cannot because it is unavailable or financially unattainable. It's all wonderful to protest against corporate greed by sitting on government property and displaying posters of disgust, and yet wear clothes that were made in China, and sleep in tents made in Korea, and wear shoes by Nike, bags by North Face, and sweaters by Gap. They may be eating fast food from McDonald's or Tim Horton's. they may be smoking a popular brand of cigarettes and using cell phones by Rogers or Telus. I am sure you get the point I am making. What are the specific demands of the Occupy Movement. How does this protest wish to resolve this global crisis. And YES there is indeed a crisis. Finally, most importantly, in order to truly be peaceful, what are they willing to give up in order to support the 99%? their clothes? shoes? cell phone? Like it or not. every one of us has the power to bring down the cooperation's simply by choosing what we consume. When we demand products that do not hurt people in the process of fabrication, distribution, and sale, then we may discover the true value of what we buy.

Consume more than you need, this is a dream. We'll make you pauper or make you Queen. Wont die lonely, have it all pre arraigned. A grave that's deep and wide enough for me and all my mountains of things ----Tracy Chapman

The day after the occupy movement began (Oct 15th{for those still not in the know}) I went to church and requested a prayer for the movement to remain peaceful and productive and that I desire for my church community to remember and consider those who have nothing. I am not sure that many of the parishioners were yet aware of this movement, (no one commented to me anyway) and I felt as though my prayer went unnoticed (though perhaps not, again, have not heard yet). I continue to pray every single day (if I were non religious i would say I continue to support) that this critical message does not dry up and wither away due to lack of attention and misunderstanding. Change will never occur if this movement fades out of the public eye and becomes overshadowed by the next political distraction.

here is a list of what this movement "should" demand

Demand Real Democracy:
- Proportional representation
- Get money out of politics
- Recall elections
- Referendum
Demand Economic Justice:
- Enact Buffett’s Law
- End tax avoidance for corporations
- No more rip-offs due to complex charging schemes
- Affordable housing
Don’t Demand:
- That there be no spending cuts
- An end to capitalism

this is a summery written by Phil Hunt

read the page here

http://cabalamat.wordpress.com/2011/10/21/what-the-occupy-movement-should-demand/

And The most important thing that we can all do above and beyond anything and everything.

Recognise and always adhere to

HUMAN RIGHTS

If the message is people not profit. Then do just that. Put the rights people first in everything you do.

Avoid judgment and stereotyping, avoid bullying and degrading those we perceive to have less value than us. (This is one time i wish to use this phrase because it fits for me)

Live like Jesus would.

if you are not partial to religion that's OK, the term is meant to invoke thoughts of compassion, love and forgiveness.

Suicide or What?

So, I have been thinking a lot about Assisted Suicide. A recent W5 episode brought this very controversial topic to mind.

I have a new perspective on this since I was in my youth and Sue Rodriguez made headlines. Since then I have spent many (too many) years fighting the urge to kill myself, and I gotta tell you, if I had had better opportunities, like someone to assist, I am not sure I would be alive to tell you this story today. I have been known to rationalize that my existence does not matter and that my chronic mental illness was reason enough to leave. I often envisioned my life as a person who would always relay on family to take care of me. I knew I would have ups and downs, sure, but I also knew (or believed) that there would times when I simply could not take care of myself. I believed this so profoundly that I had little faith in myself, which in the end, slowed my recovery considerably. I just let myself succumb to  my depression, anxiety and borderline. I allowed my life to become about giving up.

Quality of life is the main argument for assisted suicide. In my view, the quality of live I was living was so low the pit seemed to have no bottom. I couldn't see reasons to live when I just slept ate, and, shat. It was foreign to me to think that I could fight for a better quality of life and still live with mental illness.

Did you know that in Canada, there is a group of people who take part in a place called the farewell foundations? People go there to discuss ways to choose their deaths. Choose their deaths?? Self Chosen Death?? Well gee where and how do I sign up? I choose not to be near guns because I fear what I would do with such a weapon, now I can sign up to go somewhere and plan when and how I will die. It just sounds too easy doesn't it. It is not, however, so simple.

The second main argument for  euthanasia is fear of the future, fear of dying piece by piece one lady said. The argument is about terminal illness being the only reason such a suicide would be OK. One young man, diagnosed with multiple Sclerosis commented  "I love life-but-at some time in the future, that will stop" he says, "Nobody wants to kill themselves" So the question becomes, at what point does fear of the future intersect with quality of life. Millions of people today become situational depressed (depressed due to a situation like severe physical impairment), this kind of depression, if left unchecked, deeply affects quality of life and some, out of fear for their future, do want to kill themselves. Does this mean that they should be aloud to die? or should they fight for quality as they go? Are we(society) really able to "force" a person to fight for their own mental health even if such people really are looking at a bleak future. For some disorders, like MS, do have very bleak outcomes. Paralysis, agonising Pain, billions of dollars worth of medication over the years. However, MS and many other debilitating disorders, are not always terminal. The body may be the same for decades, they may need services for literally every aspect of life, but they will wither away long before their bodie dies. Should we insist that a person continue living regardless? Try not to forget, also, the economic factors. It costs money to take care of bedridden people for decades. They need physical therapy, doctors, specialists, medication (that often leads to addiction), nurses, family, friends. and so on... When is it too painful and costly to live?

I think that Self Chosen Death can become very open to abuse. The real problem with abuse is that over time, it has been shown, rules and policies become too relaxed over time. There may become too many cut corners like providing a client with a full range of options before offering death. Or families of clients who bring in insufficient evidence they their disabled family member wants to choose death. It quickly becomes a slippery slope of accountability.

Now Finally, I want to address the "Eliminating Suffering" aspect of making a choice to kill oneself. I don't know where most people live, but I am very aware now that we all suffer. Not a single human (or creature on earth for that matter) is exempt from this basic Law of nature. We often believe and feel that we are the only ones, that nobody gets our troubles. We see that the grass is greener over the fence and that the Jones are a sort of perfection we could never live up to. There is no eliminating suffering. We don't, naturally, get the option to check out when we stop loving life. We evolved on this planet as survivors. Humans have beat the odds and ended up on the very top of the food chain. We would not be at the top if we gave up.

I am all for the option to assisted suicide in the right situations. I just don't believe that It will be easy to determine, under the law, when, how, by who and what the right circumstances are going to be.

Check it out for yourselves and see what you think.

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Health/20100129/dying_100129/

The Battle

I am sad.
I am crumbeling.
I am breathless.
I am pure.
I am losing.
The Battle.
I am scared.
I am fucking high.
I am homley.
I am reading.
I am viewing.
The Battle.
Where is my mind?
I am back in this place.
I am swimming.
there in the water.
I am drowning in.
The Battle.
I am rocking.
I am running.
I am shamed.
I am rotting in.
The Battle.
I am forgetting.
I am wanting
To walk into.
My brain.
And battle.
The Battle.
I always fear.
In my whole self.
This is the last time.
I will face.
The Battle.
And yet,
Tomorrow comes.

Today I think I'm a lost cause.

It has been quite a while since I have written anything, mostly due to trying to remain sane. I have been rapid cycling lately and am trying really hard to get it under some sort of control. I feel like I have to start a scheduled life, but I can't seem to get my shit together long enough to do what I set out to do. I have been waking up the last 4 mornings sick to my stomach and some days I even get out of the house. I was looking around my place yesterday thinking "this is my prison" I am stuck inside on the pretence that I need to clean or write or cook or sleep or read or whatever I can find to do "inside". when I do go out, I lose myself in my headphones(music) and my camera. I sort of live in a haze of things to do, like shopping or work or church. If i am alone, I shut out the world that I am walking through and try to narrow my focus on one thing at a time. And, if at all possible, I go out with people I trust. So, really what is happening is my Agoraphobia is creeping back into my life. As soon as this flu like thing is gone I have to take charge once again. I have to write down a schedule that includes going out at least once a day, everyday. I have to find places to go where others will count on me or miss me if I am not there. I really worry about making new friends, I get anxious at the thought of going out to visit people I don't know too well yet and making an utter fool of myself. I really want to go out to be with people but I cannot bring myself to just do it.
Feeling sick like this makes me want to just curl up and turtle. Turtling is when I pull up the covers all the way over my head, pillows on top of that and lonely a nose hole to breath out of. I feel like I took a massive step forward by moving up here alone, and I am happy with myself for doing it, but I now feel like those back steps are coming and I don't want to accept that for myself. There are so many things I have to let go of in order to keep moving ahead with my life. No. 1 of those things to let go of is my house and how clean I demand it to be. It is not only tough on me to live up to my standards but it is really tough on my daughter to live up to my standards, and not fair on her either. I hate to be disorganised and I hate not being able to find things that haven't been put away properly. I hate the smell of a bathroom kitty litter, and the look of stuff all over the living room floor. But, I have to let go of all that.
Well, for now, I am going to make myself a neo-citron, take an Ibuprofen, and watch TV. even though it means leaving my heap of laundry alone and ignoring the accumulation of garbage on my floor.

addition to acceptence or denile

.You are..a friend, a sister, a daughter, a grand-daugher, a writer, a tease, an artist, a canadian(e), a british columbian(e), a prince ruperter, an intellectual, an ont"errible" transplant, a north american(e), a caucasian(e), a woman, a great student, a 30something, a brown eyed girl, a bitch, a flirt, a honey-pie-sweetie-love, a poor person, an educated person, a drama queen, a compassionate soul, a kick ass dancer.... (ad nauseum...)

Don't you think those are enough labels? Why would you like to then accept your identity as outlined in a psych text book (that will seem ridiculous to students 100 years from now?) I get and am happy that you can live with a diagnosis rather than deny it but you don't need to be a poster child for bipolar or anything else in order to have a voice. It's just that you happen to be mentally ill at the moment. What happens if your diagnoses change with the onset of menopause or something??? Then what happens to your whole world? I'm so proud of you in how far you've delved in understanding and managing your illness but it just seems to me that this admission is one of bondage to a medical label - and cheating the pure soul raw with potential that God made you to be.

I didn't think you'd want me to post this rant publicly.  You get to define who you are and what you want to be. Made in God's image means that we get to co-create our experience... not have everything the way we want it but influence what we've got.

The above was emailed to me by a soul mate and love one.

It is the accumulation of everything that defines me that bundles me under the heading mental illness. I am a Mentally ill ....mom, sister, daughter, friend, artist, writer, thoughtful, friendly, a grand-daughter, a tease, a Canadian(e), a British Columbian(e), a prince Ruperter  (It’s Prince George), an intellectual, an Ont"errible" transplant, a north American(e),  a Caucasian(e), a woman, a great student, a 30something, a brown eyed girl, a bitch, a flirt, a honey-pie-sweetie-love, a poor person, an educated person, a drama queen, a compassionate soul, a kick ass dancer.... By putting a heading of Mental illness before each quality (role, label, designation, title, identity...) Helps me to package myself into a whole person. It helps to remind myself that these disorders (bipolar, borderline [not so much w/ anxiety and depression]) are permanent and pervasive and in need of constant attention. I need to consider, with every major decision of my life, that because I am mentally ill I must be aware of anything that could interfere with my stability and overall health (as well as that of my daughter until she is old enough to care for herself). This is not always a negative consideration process. A thought could go like this...” I am not doing well and am not leaving the house, a decision needs to be made to get myself out”. I remember that I love music (a value) so I close the drapes and do some kick ass dancing around the house (an activity).  I know from a life time of experience and years of therapy, that using such a skill takes me a step closer to activation (getting out) by changing my body chemistry (from education).

 An example of how this would work for a decision that could have had a considerably larger affect on me, or anyone really, was my decision to move....”I am really unhappy in Victoria. I hate my place, I am frustrated by people in my life, I don’t feel like I can move on with my healing journey here, the city has changed and I don’t like that it is so expensive, I need more independence for myself, I want to get out of the rain, I have a lot to offer in the Prince George mental health system that I would never be able to do I Vic due to conflict of interest... All this and more was affecting my mental health. Moving became the only option left for me. However, the stress of moving out of town, away from my support system of friends and family, could also break me down. So, it was a decision that I thought about for a few years. There would be a lot that I would need to do to protect myself from my illness. I waited until I was stable enough to make the move. I did not want this to be an impulse decision without the use of proper judgment. I then began to look for a town that would fit my needs, mental health care needs. I looked for a place with transit, schools to choose from (for Tia and I), manageable rent and living expenses, a good system of mental health care providers. I researched many places that could offer support if I needed it. I got referrals to a doctors and counsellors. My number one concern was that I needed to know that I would be safe in the hands of the “system” they had there, and that my daughter would be sent back to either her dad or my mom upon possible crisis. With every part of my decision the fact that I am mentally Ill had to be considered. Everything from nourishing my hobbies and interests (great arts and outdoor community) to setting up my living arraignments within walking distance to the hospital, downtown, the clinic, the school, the church and a shopping center. I called many of these places ahead of making a final decision to give my notice to the landlord. I created a personal plan and wrote down what I would do to help manage my emotions over the next few months that would indeed impact my mental health weather I wanted it or not. I reviewed my skills daily and spent a lot of time caring for my mental health and welfare.  When I arrived at PG, I was overwhelmed and frightened as I had expected but I already had people to help before even driving into the city. They were waiting at my door on a rainy morning ready to help unload my truck and help me get comfortable. I had the community of the church family that would embrace me and welcome me. When I was getting settled I went to a place called the Community Response Unit (CRU) to set up an emergency plan and put myself in the radar of the mental health care system here. I was stable and doing well I said but I needed to create a plan and make connections so I will have a security net. I joined a few groups and am now in the process of working within the health care system to help others. I am still stable and I am still doing well and I am happy.  My decision to move my daughter and myself up north and away from all that we know is a massive decision for anyone to make. I believe that because I am mentally ill, I came into this choice with my eyes wide open. Mental illness drove me out of Victoria, mental illness kept me safe, stable and determined, and mental illness now provides me with insight to help others.  There is nothing, in my view, where mental illness has impaired me or weakened me, or made me feel unworthy or incapable of making and maintaining tough decisions. Labeling myself, if you need to put it as such, had done nothing but help me to learn my limitations and how I can turn them into living a productive life.

No, you are correct, I'm not a poster child for anything and It is unfortunate that you might think this is what I am trying to accomplish here. These stories that I tell are personal and written from my own perspective. I don’t try to encourage others to believe what I believe, or that my way is the best way. The only way that I can try to lift stigma around me is by telling my story, in as many ways as I know how. I want to encourage others to tell their story and know that it is safe to do so. Telling me I am trying to be some sort of advertisement for" the cause" is a judgment that I never imagined would come from you. I am “at the moment” mentally ill. Bipolar is a chemical imbalance that I am certainly able to manage, but never cure (likely not in my lifetime anyway, the world spends much more time and money looking for the cure for cancer and HIV than any kind of mental illness) and Borderline personality disorder (which many think should be called emotional deregulation disorder because it not really a personality issue) is a sensitivity of behavioural/emotional issues. I was born with and became nurtured throughout my life, and, again can be managed but not cured (there are no medications either and so far the revolutionary DBT therapy offers coping strategies that is helping people manage better than ever before). I am in fact “at the moment” stable and doing very well with only minor ups and downs. I am “at the moment” stable in my mental illness, and I am able to offer insight into my thoughts. I am “at the moment” healthy, but I am wise enough to be aware of potential changes, and how to respond quickly to those changes. If my “diagnosis” changes, than I will evolve with that change and apply it to what I know now. I don’t feel like it is bondage to the “test book case of medical labels” Quite the opposite is true for me. I find that by accepting it allows me to work with it, which allows me to be productive and healthy. I do not pity myself nor do I want any pity for this, I no longer fall prey to the world of scientists that want to dope me up with pills and see what happens. I manage my own health care and wish more people would learn how to do the same.

In closing, I love to be challenged and questioned and I especially want to hear other stories that I can learn from. When I am challenged, I know that I either have to defend or further explain or even drop my argument. Don't hesitate to do so. If you prefer to do so without it going onto my blog feel free to email me privately (I will always unfailingly respect your privacy and confidentiality)

duskgrainger@gmail.com

Acknowledgment or Denile

I have come across a few statements that, at some point, i have changed my opinion about.
The first one is "getting back to the real world"
second "my mental illness is not who I am"

OK for starter's I used to feel that the Real world was some kind of place where everything was OK. A place where all my problems were easy to work out and where I can be who I wanted to be and I didn't cry. The real world to me was something abstract and unattainable and I felt I could never fully belong there. Even though I tried and tried to attain real world status, even though I reached out, I never quite touch it. I even used getting there as a motivation to get out of where I was. Which was where? Really, what world do I live in? Where was I that was not real? What made my world different from anybody elses? I thought for years that my universe was out of step with everyone elses. I am mentally ill you know. Something in me changed though and at some point I stoped caring about what people from the so called real world thought. I stopped covering up my scared and self-mutilated body.I stoped speaking in a whisper and rose my voice. I stoped telling myself that there even was a real world.  The reality is this is the real world! I'm in it honey! I am here to stay forever more. In fact I hadn't even left. Mental illness is reality for some people and I am one of those people!! This is where the part of who I am comes in. I am mentally ill, Really, I am. When I began to see that this is who I am, how I was made. This is MY reality, my normal, my B average. I am and always will be an extra sensitive person. I am and will forever need to be vigilant about medical care like pharmacies, psychiatrists, and psychologists. I am and I will be living in this disorder until the end of my days. For me, every decision I make, every direction I take, every place I will go, everything that i know is directly related to being mentally ill. I sort of look at it like the person I am is made up of bits and pieces that build a mentally ill person. ME. My values, my interests, my roles, my hobbies, my friends, my health, joys, ambitions, desires, beliefs, past, present and for always.... everything that makes me, ME, it all came about and adds up to create a mentally ill person! I am not burdened anymore, I am less confused about myself, I know who I am now and if I battle with myself anymore by trying to separate the two - real and not real, ill or not ill, me as a whole and me disjointed - I will never be able to reconcile myself. I will always be reaching for normal. I will never be able to take care of my whole self and continue to grow into the whole person I have always needed to be.

I think that for many years,  the belief that there was a real world and the attachment to the idea of my illness only being a small part of me, this kept me going. It pushed me forward, it gave me hope and it provided me with a vision. Having these thoughts kept me in therapy and taking medication. It helped me create small goals to achieve stability(not cured). The change of perspective however required acceptance and a little bit of a leap of faith. Acceptance is a long and arduous journey that can, at times, be frightning and painful and a leap of faith is an instant decision to maintain hope.

oh, and I still cry real tears.