Acknowledgment or Denile

I have come across a few statements that, at some point, i have changed my opinion about.
The first one is "getting back to the real world"
second "my mental illness is not who I am"

OK for starter's I used to feel that the Real world was some kind of place where everything was OK. A place where all my problems were easy to work out and where I can be who I wanted to be and I didn't cry. The real world to me was something abstract and unattainable and I felt I could never fully belong there. Even though I tried and tried to attain real world status, even though I reached out, I never quite touch it. I even used getting there as a motivation to get out of where I was. Which was where? Really, what world do I live in? Where was I that was not real? What made my world different from anybody elses? I thought for years that my universe was out of step with everyone elses. I am mentally ill you know. Something in me changed though and at some point I stoped caring about what people from the so called real world thought. I stopped covering up my scared and self-mutilated body.I stoped speaking in a whisper and rose my voice. I stoped telling myself that there even was a real world.  The reality is this is the real world! I'm in it honey! I am here to stay forever more. In fact I hadn't even left. Mental illness is reality for some people and I am one of those people!! This is where the part of who I am comes in. I am mentally ill, Really, I am. When I began to see that this is who I am, how I was made. This is MY reality, my normal, my B average. I am and always will be an extra sensitive person. I am and will forever need to be vigilant about medical care like pharmacies, psychiatrists, and psychologists. I am and I will be living in this disorder until the end of my days. For me, every decision I make, every direction I take, every place I will go, everything that i know is directly related to being mentally ill. I sort of look at it like the person I am is made up of bits and pieces that build a mentally ill person. ME. My values, my interests, my roles, my hobbies, my friends, my health, joys, ambitions, desires, beliefs, past, present and for always.... everything that makes me, ME, it all came about and adds up to create a mentally ill person! I am not burdened anymore, I am less confused about myself, I know who I am now and if I battle with myself anymore by trying to separate the two - real and not real, ill or not ill, me as a whole and me disjointed - I will never be able to reconcile myself. I will always be reaching for normal. I will never be able to take care of my whole self and continue to grow into the whole person I have always needed to be.

I think that for many years,  the belief that there was a real world and the attachment to the idea of my illness only being a small part of me, this kept me going. It pushed me forward, it gave me hope and it provided me with a vision. Having these thoughts kept me in therapy and taking medication. It helped me create small goals to achieve stability(not cured). The change of perspective however required acceptance and a little bit of a leap of faith. Acceptance is a long and arduous journey that can, at times, be frightning and painful and a leap of faith is an instant decision to maintain hope.

oh, and I still cry real tears.