I have come across a few statements that, at some point, i have changed my opinion about.
The first one is "getting back to the real world"
second "my mental illness is not who I am"
OK for starter's I used to feel that the Real world was some kind of place where everything was OK. A place where all my problems were easy to work out and where I can be who I wanted to be and I didn't cry. The real world to me was something abstract and unattainable and I felt I could never fully belong there. Even though I tried and tried to attain real world status, even though I reached out, I never quite touch it. I even used getting there as a motivation to get out of where I was. Which was where? Really, what world do I live in? Where was I that was not real? What made my world different from anybody elses? I thought for years that my universe was out of step with everyone elses. I am mentally ill you know. Something in me changed though and at some point I stoped caring about what people from the so called real world thought. I stopped covering up my scared and self-mutilated body.I stoped speaking in a whisper and rose my voice. I stoped telling myself that there even was a real world. The reality is this is the real world! I'm in it honey! I am here to stay forever more. In fact I hadn't even left. Mental illness is reality for some people and I am one of those people!! This is where the part of who I am comes in. I am mentally ill, Really, I am. When I began to see that this is who I am, how I was made. This is MY reality, my normal, my B average. I am and always will be an extra sensitive person. I am and will forever need to be vigilant about medical care like pharmacies, psychiatrists, and psychologists. I am and I will be living in this disorder until the end of my days. For me, every decision I make, every direction I take, every place I will go, everything that i know is directly related to being mentally ill. I sort of look at it like the person I am is made up of bits and pieces that build a mentally ill person. ME. My values, my interests, my roles, my hobbies, my friends, my health, joys, ambitions, desires, beliefs, past, present and for always.... everything that makes me, ME, it all came about and adds up to create a mentally ill person! I am not burdened anymore, I am less confused about myself, I know who I am now and if I battle with myself anymore by trying to separate the two - real and not real, ill or not ill, me as a whole and me disjointed - I will never be able to reconcile myself. I will always be reaching for normal. I will never be able to take care of my whole self and continue to grow into the whole person I have always needed to be.
I think that for many years, the belief that there was a real world and the attachment to the idea of my illness only being a small part of me, this kept me going. It pushed me forward, it gave me hope and it provided me with a vision. Having these thoughts kept me in therapy and taking medication. It helped me create small goals to achieve stability(not cured). The change of perspective however required acceptance and a little bit of a leap of faith. Acceptance is a long and arduous journey that can, at times, be frightning and painful and a leap of faith is an instant decision to maintain hope.
oh, and I still cry real tears.
September 28, 2011
September 24, 2011
a friend with perspective
I have a friend who has written a great blog entry about stigma in mental illness. please take time to read it and soak in the story this person tells. Kudos to you H.
http://randomas-random.blogspot.com/2011/07/savage-stigma.html#comment-form
http://randomas-random.blogspot.com/2011/07/savage-stigma.html#comment-form
From stinkin' rich to untouchable.
Yes, friends, we do live in a class based society! We have the Super Rich, we have middle class, we have the working poor, we have the poor and we have the people who have nothing. Each of these divisions come with their own set of judgments. The rich are believed to be the hardest workers, the people who earn their money by putting in long hard days. Those who are middle class citizens(which by the way is a dwindling class, many moving down a notch into working poor) Have the comforts of life. Nice houses, in safe neighbourhoods. Extra money to put into nice cars, great vacations and other such toys that are nice but not necessary. The working poor is the class that is the largest. It consists of people who work hard but only just barely get by from check to check. They have nice homes and one car but very few luxuries. Moving down quite a bit from working poor, are those who are poor. This class usually consists of single parents, people who cannot work and live off the government, people who are on welfare and people working in the lowest paying jobs. Poor people live in run down cheap housing, cannot afford vacations, new clothes or even dental care, let alone have a consistent supply of food and money for basic transportation. On the very bottom rung are those who have nothing! Consisting of mostly street people and couch surfers. Homeless and hungry the poorest of the poor rely entirely on their ingenuity to get their hands on the most basic of needs. Food, fresh water for cleaning, even medical supplies like glasses and medications. This class of people could be compared to the "untouchables" of India. Many believe that they just don't care about themselves enough to get out of extreme poverty not realising that a lot of these homeless people have been beaten down and rejected by society for so much of their lives that they have been conditioned to believe that they are indeed not worthy.
I live in poverty. I live on disability and get little to no extra money to have extra pleasures in my life. I have only two ways that I treat myself. 1. TV/ Internet. 2. cigarettes (of which I budget to have only 2 per day, if I go over, well then that's it they are gone). I have had the privilege to be able to send my daughter to a private school on a significantly reduced tuition(500$ reduction). And every left over penny goes to food. My money is quickly eaten up with bills.
Most times, however, I am able to be surprisingly grateful for how I live. With more money comes more spending on things i truly don't need. I have a home to live in, food to fill my family, and water, clean water, that comes directly out of my tap. I do not live in fear for my life, I have access to medical care and warm clothes in the winter. I have knowledge because I was aloud to go to school and learn to read. I have freedom of speech and freedom of religion and freedom to peaceful protest without risk of persecution, jail or even death. I have never lived through the ravages of war and I suspect that neither will my daughter. I am a Canadian citizen, one of the most affluent countries in the world. When I get sick, I get free medical care. Other social services are there for me as well like the protection of the police, attendance of paramedics if an emergency occurs, fire fighters, many who are volunteers, who rescue people in the scariest of situations like fires and car accidents.
In the end I need for nothing. Sure I have wants and desires for stuff, But I don't need anything.
However; just because I don't need anything does not mean that living as a poor person doesn't suck! Some days I hate it so much that I wont go out cause i don't have an extra 2bucks for a simple coffee. Often I go hungry to ensure that my daughter can eat more when she is growing. On the very very rare occasion that I can buy myself a new clothing item, that item must still be on sale. I get all other clothes as hand me downs from friends or thrift stores. I cannot get my hair cut regularly so I hide it under a hat. All these little things really do add up and some days it just breaks me, it reminds me that I am stuck in a class that barely lets me get my feet off the ground much less have the ability thrive.
I may have no needs but like everyone i sometimes have wants. I want to go to diner at a nice restaurant, I want chocolate every day, I want to be able to send my daughter to music/dance/sports lessons, heck, I want lessons in stuff I enjoy. I want stuff that I see in the flyer's I get from various stores. I want high technology devices and I want to go on vacation to somewhere hot, or someplace interesting like Cambodia or Nepal.
At the end of the month I have about 40 dollars to spare and that usually ends up in my kids hands.
So, How do I reconcile these feelings of loss due to mental illness. Well some days I don't. some days I pity myself and tell myself that I suck cause I have no money for milk for my tea for another week. or I was stupid to buy that "thing" when I could have used it for something "important" Other days I feel good because having no money has driven me to go to places that cost nothing. The library, hiking trails, visit friends, look for joy in the most unusual of places like watching the clouds, listening to a thunder storm, watch the snow fall, have a chat with my daughter, read books, listen to music, write take photos an draw....
balancing want vs needs can be a challenge for many people, even for the super rich. Life is about how you look at it, Life is about evaluating what make you happy. Life is also about sadness and fear, and how we cope. Sure we have a class system here in Canada. fortunately though we are all human and we all share that one truth with all 7 billion other people on earth.
I live in poverty. I live on disability and get little to no extra money to have extra pleasures in my life. I have only two ways that I treat myself. 1. TV/ Internet. 2. cigarettes (of which I budget to have only 2 per day, if I go over, well then that's it they are gone). I have had the privilege to be able to send my daughter to a private school on a significantly reduced tuition(500$ reduction). And every left over penny goes to food. My money is quickly eaten up with bills.
Most times, however, I am able to be surprisingly grateful for how I live. With more money comes more spending on things i truly don't need. I have a home to live in, food to fill my family, and water, clean water, that comes directly out of my tap. I do not live in fear for my life, I have access to medical care and warm clothes in the winter. I have knowledge because I was aloud to go to school and learn to read. I have freedom of speech and freedom of religion and freedom to peaceful protest without risk of persecution, jail or even death. I have never lived through the ravages of war and I suspect that neither will my daughter. I am a Canadian citizen, one of the most affluent countries in the world. When I get sick, I get free medical care. Other social services are there for me as well like the protection of the police, attendance of paramedics if an emergency occurs, fire fighters, many who are volunteers, who rescue people in the scariest of situations like fires and car accidents.
In the end I need for nothing. Sure I have wants and desires for stuff, But I don't need anything.
However; just because I don't need anything does not mean that living as a poor person doesn't suck! Some days I hate it so much that I wont go out cause i don't have an extra 2bucks for a simple coffee. Often I go hungry to ensure that my daughter can eat more when she is growing. On the very very rare occasion that I can buy myself a new clothing item, that item must still be on sale. I get all other clothes as hand me downs from friends or thrift stores. I cannot get my hair cut regularly so I hide it under a hat. All these little things really do add up and some days it just breaks me, it reminds me that I am stuck in a class that barely lets me get my feet off the ground much less have the ability thrive.
I may have no needs but like everyone i sometimes have wants. I want to go to diner at a nice restaurant, I want chocolate every day, I want to be able to send my daughter to music/dance/sports lessons, heck, I want lessons in stuff I enjoy. I want stuff that I see in the flyer's I get from various stores. I want high technology devices and I want to go on vacation to somewhere hot, or someplace interesting like Cambodia or Nepal.
At the end of the month I have about 40 dollars to spare and that usually ends up in my kids hands.
So, How do I reconcile these feelings of loss due to mental illness. Well some days I don't. some days I pity myself and tell myself that I suck cause I have no money for milk for my tea for another week. or I was stupid to buy that "thing" when I could have used it for something "important" Other days I feel good because having no money has driven me to go to places that cost nothing. The library, hiking trails, visit friends, look for joy in the most unusual of places like watching the clouds, listening to a thunder storm, watch the snow fall, have a chat with my daughter, read books, listen to music, write take photos an draw....
balancing want vs needs can be a challenge for many people, even for the super rich. Life is about how you look at it, Life is about evaluating what make you happy. Life is also about sadness and fear, and how we cope. Sure we have a class system here in Canada. fortunately though we are all human and we all share that one truth with all 7 billion other people on earth.
September 22, 2011
Me? care for myself?
We have to take responsibility for our own health care. This means that we need to be aware of our , physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. Which means we need to be able asses ourselves on a daily basis. What is my body telling me? Figure out what we need to do to stay strong and able bodied. How am I coping today? Create wholesome strategies that keep us safe and of sound mind. How do I feel today? Learn a variety of words that describe emotions. Where can I find peace today? Find a connection to something bigger than ourselves.
In Canada, Our health care system is bursting at the seams. Family doctors are becoming scarce, Specialists have endless wait lists, Hospital are over capacity with emerge packed to the rim with sick people in waiting rooms, and clinics are full every day, all day. It is a serious challenge to ensure that we get the right kind of heath care for ourselves. There is hope though and that hope lies in our very own hands.
Lets start with our physical needs. No one can argue that a strong body will support all of our other health care needs. A good place to start is our eating habits. There is so much crap fast food out there that is cheep and filling. Many people will eat this high fat, high sodium, highly preserved foods simply because it is so convenient(not to mention the enforcement and support of media advertising). It takes effort and time to cook a meal with whole foods. There are too many people who don't even know how to cook something that does not come out of a box or bag(with step by step instructions on it). There are also too many people who don't know that meal planning is significantly less expensive than the quick fix of food from a box or a burger joint down the street(ya, you know what I mean). Even though nutritional facts are posted on the side of packaged foods, how many of us can make sense of it? The second most important physical need is, yup, that nasty word, Exercise!! so many of us hate it. I have even heard avid runners say that they have to push themselves out the door to get started. I can tell you things that you have all heard before, but I wont. "Just do it!" just get up and go for a walk, sign up in a class of some sort. Staying fit can be free and fun. All it takes is motivation. If you need a boost in motivation, look around you at all the people who live sedentary lives. Diabetes is so prevalent today that children are getting it. Obesity and cardio/pulmonary disease are steadily on the rise. Exercise is the cure all and best prevention of almost every major disease out there.
Second to our physical requirements we have mental and emotional demands in life. Did you know that most people cannot name a feeling beyond the basic emotions. Happy, angry, sadness and fear all have varying levels of intensity. We have secondary emotions that many people confuse with their primary emotions. As far as coping with all these jumbled feelings, there are a great number of us that, well, just don't. People use substances to the point of addiction, people become depressed and give up on caring for themselves, people develop anxieties and cannot leave the house. People get so angry that they commit violent crimes. there are so many of us that stay stuck in a rut of emotional agony that suicide is one of the leading causes of death. The difficulty lies in that most of us never learn how to cope in the first place, and we are too embarrassed (stigma, judgment) to seek help. Learning to cope with difficult and strong emotions could go a long way in preventing depression and anxiety. There would be less of a demand for medication and less stress on the system if our children were to learn how to identify emotions and know how to safely resolve their problems. This means that we need to learn about this ourselves. There are countless self help books, websites and practitioners that can do wonders in educating those who are willing to learn new ways to cope. Less painful and destructive strategies to deal with life's ups and downs.
Finally, Spirituality. This does not mean religion, though it could for some. The key to a healthy spiritual life lies in where we find peace and comfort in this world. A good spiritual life gives us a place to regenerate and put things into perspective. It can slow us down in a very fast paced world. Our spirit gives us time to be mindful, to be in the moment, to find stillness within. Our holy selves, gives us a way to get out of the confinements of our bodies and into a realm where we are touched by something greater than this physical plane of living. There are countless ways to find a spiritual connection. Of course there are churches of all religions to attend but there are also indefinite ways to find peace of mind. Nature, the universe, yoga, meditation, reading, silence, volunteering, music and all other forms of the arts, philosophising, learning, caring, and on and on and on. Really it is what ever works for you, what ever you need to to be able to search within and find grace.
If we take care of these health requirements ourselves, there will be less need to see doctors, demand medication, stress our hospitals, and over flow our clinics. Also, we will be in tune with what is wrong with us when we really do get sick. We will be able to clearly identify what symptoms we have and clearly discuss this with a health care professional. We can feel better and prevent disorders from getting out of control or even from getting them at all.
Now, all I need to do, is take my own advice and listen to my own wisdom. Isn't that always the way?
In Canada, Our health care system is bursting at the seams. Family doctors are becoming scarce, Specialists have endless wait lists, Hospital are over capacity with emerge packed to the rim with sick people in waiting rooms, and clinics are full every day, all day. It is a serious challenge to ensure that we get the right kind of heath care for ourselves. There is hope though and that hope lies in our very own hands.
Lets start with our physical needs. No one can argue that a strong body will support all of our other health care needs. A good place to start is our eating habits. There is so much crap fast food out there that is cheep and filling. Many people will eat this high fat, high sodium, highly preserved foods simply because it is so convenient(not to mention the enforcement and support of media advertising). It takes effort and time to cook a meal with whole foods. There are too many people who don't even know how to cook something that does not come out of a box or bag(with step by step instructions on it). There are also too many people who don't know that meal planning is significantly less expensive than the quick fix of food from a box or a burger joint down the street(ya, you know what I mean). Even though nutritional facts are posted on the side of packaged foods, how many of us can make sense of it? The second most important physical need is, yup, that nasty word, Exercise!! so many of us hate it. I have even heard avid runners say that they have to push themselves out the door to get started. I can tell you things that you have all heard before, but I wont. "Just do it!" just get up and go for a walk, sign up in a class of some sort. Staying fit can be free and fun. All it takes is motivation. If you need a boost in motivation, look around you at all the people who live sedentary lives. Diabetes is so prevalent today that children are getting it. Obesity and cardio/pulmonary disease are steadily on the rise. Exercise is the cure all and best prevention of almost every major disease out there.
Second to our physical requirements we have mental and emotional demands in life. Did you know that most people cannot name a feeling beyond the basic emotions. Happy, angry, sadness and fear all have varying levels of intensity. We have secondary emotions that many people confuse with their primary emotions. As far as coping with all these jumbled feelings, there are a great number of us that, well, just don't. People use substances to the point of addiction, people become depressed and give up on caring for themselves, people develop anxieties and cannot leave the house. People get so angry that they commit violent crimes. there are so many of us that stay stuck in a rut of emotional agony that suicide is one of the leading causes of death. The difficulty lies in that most of us never learn how to cope in the first place, and we are too embarrassed (stigma, judgment) to seek help. Learning to cope with difficult and strong emotions could go a long way in preventing depression and anxiety. There would be less of a demand for medication and less stress on the system if our children were to learn how to identify emotions and know how to safely resolve their problems. This means that we need to learn about this ourselves. There are countless self help books, websites and practitioners that can do wonders in educating those who are willing to learn new ways to cope. Less painful and destructive strategies to deal with life's ups and downs.
Finally, Spirituality. This does not mean religion, though it could for some. The key to a healthy spiritual life lies in where we find peace and comfort in this world. A good spiritual life gives us a place to regenerate and put things into perspective. It can slow us down in a very fast paced world. Our spirit gives us time to be mindful, to be in the moment, to find stillness within. Our holy selves, gives us a way to get out of the confinements of our bodies and into a realm where we are touched by something greater than this physical plane of living. There are countless ways to find a spiritual connection. Of course there are churches of all religions to attend but there are also indefinite ways to find peace of mind. Nature, the universe, yoga, meditation, reading, silence, volunteering, music and all other forms of the arts, philosophising, learning, caring, and on and on and on. Really it is what ever works for you, what ever you need to to be able to search within and find grace.
If we take care of these health requirements ourselves, there will be less need to see doctors, demand medication, stress our hospitals, and over flow our clinics. Also, we will be in tune with what is wrong with us when we really do get sick. We will be able to clearly identify what symptoms we have and clearly discuss this with a health care professional. We can feel better and prevent disorders from getting out of control or even from getting them at all.
Now, all I need to do, is take my own advice and listen to my own wisdom. Isn't that always the way?
September 15, 2011
Chocolate cake Can't Cure This One
I am excited to start a couple of groups this fall. My kind of groups are therapy groups. Ha, most people join book clubs or photo clubs, sports clubs and walking clubs. Me, I hang out with other people who struggle with Mental health and/or Addiction. For a long time I hated that all I ever did was talk about emotions and being crazy and exchange ideas about how to get out of bed.
"But oh how I loved everybody else when I finally got to talk so much about myself" - Dar Williams
But the fact of the matter is that I am deeply ingrained into this lifestyle, This is my norm. Every day is a battle of some sorts. Be it good or bad, Those people in those groups keep me in check, they put up with my quirky behaviours,(with out an ounce of judgment I will add) And remind me that there are safe people and places for in this world.
I find I tell truths in there that no one knows. truths that might offend loved ones, truths that would scare some people, truths that scare me.
I have a new friend here and this person often says "it's fine, you don't scare me". I want to scream back----WELL YOU SHOULD BE!! I want to yell out Too many people have left for me to believe you wouldn't also. I want to stamp my feet and outrage everything that has ever been taken from me is because of this disease, and friends are the least of those losses. People say that I am a survivor, ya sure honey, I survive. And at times that's all I do, I survive. I get by. I barely hang on by the tips of my fingers. I impatiently wait until I can go back to sleep where I wont hurt myself or fuck something up. I have stopped making plans for a future where dreams are stolen by madness. Ya, I survive." One day at a time" Ya, I survive, one paycheck at a time. Ya, I survive, at the expense of others who need to take care of me. I know your heart is in the right place but please don't tell me that I am a survivor, I don't want to hear that I am a fighter, and NO I am not strong. I exist! and that's it.
This is what is normal to me, I don't know any other way to be. I don't know what normal, average, or common feels like. I agree that all humans are special in their own right, but I am different. I am sensitive, alone in my head, fearful, wacko, loony, crazy, fked up, sick, sorry, angry, and in constant pain that no one but I can see. I carry around an invisible devil, a beast that rear's its head and beats me down all day and all night. Sometimes I have it in check, other times the devil rules my every breath. And there not many ways to escape.
I have begun to take pleasure in activities like walking, photography, decorating, writing. But the monster is quietly waiting for that day that I get over tired, or the moment I get frustrated. It waits. I will not fool myself into thinking that, just because i am doing better than in the past, the slimy demon isn't patiently sitting by.
People in my groups never say "you should", they listen and relate and never tell me how to feel. They nod their heads in silent agreement and never interrupt.
"But oh how I loved everybody else when I finally got to talk so much about myself" - Dar Williams
But the fact of the matter is that I am deeply ingrained into this lifestyle, This is my norm. Every day is a battle of some sorts. Be it good or bad, Those people in those groups keep me in check, they put up with my quirky behaviours,(with out an ounce of judgment I will add) And remind me that there are safe people and places for in this world.
I find I tell truths in there that no one knows. truths that might offend loved ones, truths that would scare some people, truths that scare me.
I have a new friend here and this person often says "it's fine, you don't scare me". I want to scream back----WELL YOU SHOULD BE!! I want to yell out Too many people have left for me to believe you wouldn't also. I want to stamp my feet and outrage everything that has ever been taken from me is because of this disease, and friends are the least of those losses. People say that I am a survivor, ya sure honey, I survive. And at times that's all I do, I survive. I get by. I barely hang on by the tips of my fingers. I impatiently wait until I can go back to sleep where I wont hurt myself or fuck something up. I have stopped making plans for a future where dreams are stolen by madness. Ya, I survive." One day at a time" Ya, I survive, one paycheck at a time. Ya, I survive, at the expense of others who need to take care of me. I know your heart is in the right place but please don't tell me that I am a survivor, I don't want to hear that I am a fighter, and NO I am not strong. I exist! and that's it.
This is what is normal to me, I don't know any other way to be. I don't know what normal, average, or common feels like. I agree that all humans are special in their own right, but I am different. I am sensitive, alone in my head, fearful, wacko, loony, crazy, fked up, sick, sorry, angry, and in constant pain that no one but I can see. I carry around an invisible devil, a beast that rear's its head and beats me down all day and all night. Sometimes I have it in check, other times the devil rules my every breath. And there not many ways to escape.
I have begun to take pleasure in activities like walking, photography, decorating, writing. But the monster is quietly waiting for that day that I get over tired, or the moment I get frustrated. It waits. I will not fool myself into thinking that, just because i am doing better than in the past, the slimy demon isn't patiently sitting by.
People in my groups never say "you should", they listen and relate and never tell me how to feel. They nod their heads in silent agreement and never interrupt.
September 13, 2011
an episode of vulnerability
It feels like forever since I last spoke to you.
I asked my daughter if she knows when I am not well. "you sleep and don't come out of my room."
I have been having a difficult time and my brain has been a little loopy. I know that writing when I am going through tough times would be all the more truthful however; revealing my life comes with risks. Risks like embarrassment, panic, shame.
For a week. My obsession got the best of me. I needed to deal with the house before I could allow myself to relax. over the last week I have have had two overnights and and 4 days sleeping. I was obsessed about how neat and tidy I want my house to be. I want to have everything put away into it's home, where it will look good and be practical. Even though I had gone over the house once and putting stuff away, I was going over it over and over again. I could not let go of my need to have perfect order. The kind of perfect order that does not exist.
When I was not cleaning, I have sparsely been able to get out of my room, I have a tough time even opening the curtains. I have been anxious to even leave the house by myself. I still do not know who to trust in this town, who I can be crazy in front of? When I want to go outside, I rack my brain to see who would join me and usually go with Tia because it embarrasses me to need a person around to feel safe as I step out my door.
It's funny that I am so into advocating, so into providing people with a loud voice, to help others gain courage and confidence. And yet, when my illness has taken the best of me, I isolate my self, I hide away in shame and fear. Shame and fear of what others think of me. Fear of not making any sense at all. Embarrassed that I cannot pull myself together. I become a hermit.
Could it be possible that so few stand up and rally for mental illness because most of us are unable to even move from our homes, unable to face the anxiety of large crowds. I can say that from where I stand that if I, in a relatively stable state, cannot leave my room during a mild episode, how would I ever be able to stand in a crowd of thousands to stand up for rights that I don't believe I even deserve. I have to count on people who are stronger than I am to fight for me. People who are not crazy or scared. The problem then lies in that there are many more people who live with mental illness then there are who would stand up and speak for mental illness.
Where do we find our voice?
I asked my daughter if she knows when I am not well. "you sleep and don't come out of my room."
I have been having a difficult time and my brain has been a little loopy. I know that writing when I am going through tough times would be all the more truthful however; revealing my life comes with risks. Risks like embarrassment, panic, shame.
For a week. My obsession got the best of me. I needed to deal with the house before I could allow myself to relax. over the last week I have have had two overnights and and 4 days sleeping. I was obsessed about how neat and tidy I want my house to be. I want to have everything put away into it's home, where it will look good and be practical. Even though I had gone over the house once and putting stuff away, I was going over it over and over again. I could not let go of my need to have perfect order. The kind of perfect order that does not exist.
When I was not cleaning, I have sparsely been able to get out of my room, I have a tough time even opening the curtains. I have been anxious to even leave the house by myself. I still do not know who to trust in this town, who I can be crazy in front of? When I want to go outside, I rack my brain to see who would join me and usually go with Tia because it embarrasses me to need a person around to feel safe as I step out my door.
It's funny that I am so into advocating, so into providing people with a loud voice, to help others gain courage and confidence. And yet, when my illness has taken the best of me, I isolate my self, I hide away in shame and fear. Shame and fear of what others think of me. Fear of not making any sense at all. Embarrassed that I cannot pull myself together. I become a hermit.
Could it be possible that so few stand up and rally for mental illness because most of us are unable to even move from our homes, unable to face the anxiety of large crowds. I can say that from where I stand that if I, in a relatively stable state, cannot leave my room during a mild episode, how would I ever be able to stand in a crowd of thousands to stand up for rights that I don't believe I even deserve. I have to count on people who are stronger than I am to fight for me. People who are not crazy or scared. The problem then lies in that there are many more people who live with mental illness then there are who would stand up and speak for mental illness.
Where do we find our voice?
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